Secret Giggle

2 Years Since Your Death

2010-11-15T01:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Lady,

Just because I don't post as regularly doesn't mean I don't think about you. It's fall again and I've been thinking about you lots. I went back to Rockwood, where you were born, and I saw Beethoven's grave again. I thought a lot about you both, saw the ditch Beethoven pulled me into during winter and I fell through the ice and got soaking wet. Saw the fields you and Bee used to run through. Pondered about the fragility of human and animal life, while the same trees continued to grow and shed new and old leaves, and stand in the exact same places they've always been.

Thought long and hard about how the P's and the H's had also been through so many dogs and cats... how there are always new ones to replace the old ones, and how humans always need the company of pets, even when the old ones are gone, but not forgotten.

It made me a bit bitter and envious of nature, to see it thrive, so beautifully, when you and Beethoven have been long gone from this earth, and when I have been long since displaced from what I feel is my home. I lay in the forest between our old house and Vince's house for probably more than an hour in total, and just gazed up at the breathtaking trees that no words can describe. The sun illuminated the whole forest and it glowed in warm yellow tones. All I could hear was the wind, the leaves lightly falling all around me, and the occasional bird, crickets and Canada goose. And once in a while a car going by.

Nothing's really changed. It's still as sparsely populated as it was in 93. I miss you and Beethoven SO MUCH. And last night I cried, feeling so guilty about how I left you for a year to go to Korea. You were my baby, and I'm sure you didn't understand why I left for so long. I felt SO guilty when I came back and you were suddenly so senile, and you didn't greet me with as much joy as usual. Probably because you had already come to terms with the fact I had died, or permanently abandoned you. And NOTHING will ever make me feel less regretful, less guilty about that.

No other dogs will ever replace you two. I went to the E. Fall Fair and saw the stage where I'd taken Beethoven in his clown hat; the Gentle Ben's pet show.. and Bee had been an embarrassment, refusing to go up the stairs, then pulling so hard on the leash, that I got a pity donation of 50 cents by an onlooker. I filmed the building. It seems much smaller than it did as a kid.

I can't believe it's already been two years. Fall used to be my favorite season, a close tie with spring.. but every fall, I will always think of you, because when the weather grew colder, you grew weaker, and died. I'm really sorry you had to die, it seemed so early and unjust. I hope you're running free in dog heaven, with strong back legs and a youthful body. I hope you have lots of table scraps to eat, and are allowed to be an indoor dog. I hope you have a girl to take care of you and brush you when you shed, and won't take off to Korea in your old age. I hope I can see you again. Please wait for me!

Love, Jo.

1 year since your death

2010-02-03T01:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Lady,

A few days before it was one year since your death, I commemorated it by changing my Facebook pic, and posting a thread about you, filled with pics, on the dog forum I'm on. Right here: http://www.boxerforums.com/rainbow-bridge/50977-rip-lady-pic-heavy.html

Since then, I haven't thought of much to post here... but I still think about you every day, and often mention you to people. Tonight I mentioned you in forum chat.. how I'd get a tattoo of you or Rockwood house if I had to get a tattoo of anything. And then of course they asked who you were and I explained.

You're my poor wittle baby, and I want to give you more kisses on your furry snout. You were always so demure and sweet, and always minded your own business at the park or when out in public.

I miss that.

XOXO Love you forever, and can't stop crying, ever. It's been a year and 3 months but time just stopped the day you died and I'm still living in that moment. I have tears streaming down my face now, and I always will when I think of you.

Lady, its summer!

2009-07-20T00:31:00.001-07:00

Dear Lady,

If you were still here, you would be enjoying some great walks in the Watershed with me. I still think about you lots, and try to remember random things about you. You were a 'piece of Ontario' for sure. We got a new boxer puppy last week, his name's Monty. He doesn't and won't ever replace you, don't worry. He's very cute though. I'm trying to raise him right this time because your upbringing was a bit less than ideal... not much socialization or exposure to new things. Not enough positive reinforcement, too much hitting you on the nose when you ran away. Every time I think about an aspect of Monty or raising Monty, I think about how we did it with you, and how your adult life was shaped by your puppyhood.

A couple memories of you and Beethoven:

-When you and Bee pulled me so hard, you (mostly Bee) pulled me into a ditch of iced over water, up to my past my knees

-When Bee bit your nose really hard and you needed antiseptic gel for it... the scar remained throughout your life

-When we would take you on 'walks' throughout the yard, running around with you on leashes. And one time posing with you guys for a family pic, and the mosquitos were nuts, biting us all..

-You splish sploshing through the river in that 'hidden place' in the Watershed, behind the blackberry bushes, while I chilled out there, totally hidden from the world

Love you.

Jo

2 months

2008-12-26T16:09:00.000-08:00

Two months ago yesterday, you passed away, Lady. Yesterday was Dec 25, 08. I had an excellent Christmas. Stayed home with boyfriend, watched 'A Christmas Carol' on Christmas eve and 'Slum Dog Millionaire' on Christmas day. Exchanged gifts with the boi.. he got me an SLR camera and I got him 15 gourmet ingredients.

Then I went with Sera to Jeni's turkey dinner and it was everything that a Christmas gathering should be, in my mind. Warm home, big real tree, lots of happy people, lots of joking around, and the food!! Turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, brussels sprouts, carrots, salad with pine nuts/dijon/oliveoil/balsamic/feta (must remember the recipe), wine, four kinds of pie, ice cream, whipped cream, cranberry sauce.

Jeni and Jerry did a hilarious impersonation of Jeni's 16 yr old kid, when he was younger (a pee dance). There was a 'present stealing game' and Christmas crackers. And a cute 18 month old baby whose mom was really funny ("After you have the third kid, you don't care.. you just send them out to the busy street and say here, take this knife!")

There are several feet of snow on the ground.. all of Canada had a white Christmas. If you were still alive you wouldn't really have been able to walk into the backyard to pee anyway. We humans can barely walk in it. Ju and I are hosting a potluck on Dec 28. With more turkey! I haven't cleaned an inch of house yet.

Really looking forward to it though, there will be a 2 month old baby there, lots of Ju's cousins, and maybe even a dog (Mandy's little toy mutt, Charlie). I was exhausted last night by the way, possibly partly caused by subconscious depression, and almost stayed in, but Sera came and dragged me out to dinner, which was good, of course.

Ju went to his extended family dinnner with their takeout Chinese food (ew, tired of it), where he had a 'deep talk' with his uncle about how his uncle things we should marry and have kids, because Ju's mom likes holding Ju's 2 month old niece so much.

Seeing Jeni and Jerry's dog try to sneak into the warm house last night totally reminded me of you. And how you'd slowly but stubbornly press forward and walk into the house, looking straight ahead and avoiding all eye contact, because you knew that it was disallowed or partially disallowed, but you wanted to anyway.

You really loved snow.. we have pics of you bouncing around in it, and looking up at the snow we threw into the air. It made you hyper and you'd run around randomly eating it, like most dogs who like snow do. Remember when we put straw in your house and you slept with Beethoven to keep warm?

2 months have passed by fast; I thought it was Nov 25, but I was mistaken.. it was Oct 25. You are still just as real to me though, as if you were still alive. And your ashes are still on Dad's desk, waiting to be scattered..

Merry Christmas, sweet doggy!

3 weeks

2008-11-17T02:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Lady,

It's been 3 weeks without you. The last time I ever took you for a walk, a mysterious bump appeared on my left hand. I thought it was a mosquito bite but it grew into something larger and wart-like. This never happened before. I believe in sychronicity. I got it treated with liquid nitrogen at the Dr's and now it's nearly disappeared. But I still see it and every time I look at it, it reminds me that I was walking you about a month and a half ago. Time is speeding away, but this wart links me to that one day in the past, and makes remember that it was real.

I still cry randomly several times a day, even when doing fun stuff like playing LBP. I've been depressed this month. Feel really, really sad and don't want to do anything productive except play videogame, eat icecream, sleep. Taking a shower and eating = such a chore. Don't want to go to work or organize my room. I think I'm sadder than most normal ppl would be. Sometimes I cry so hard I want to puke. I wish I was dead because if dead means non-existence, at least we could both be non-existent and in being in the same state I'd feel closer to you.

Life and death and everything in between seems so numb and insignificant and pointless. I find myself easily frustrated and angry at everyone I love.. family, boyfriend, friends. I feel like lashing out at ppl and things. I can laugh as I play a video game and tears are still dripping out of my eyes as I laugh.

As I drive down the street I picture your face in the vet's and feel so depressed I want to hit oncoming traffic. I picture your face and relive the last day of your life over and over in my mind.

Fleeting Memories..

2008-11-10T21:59:00.000-08:00

She had a little missing patch of fur on her upper leg, from lying on one preferred side

She loved being scratched behind her ears or in her armpits, and pet anywhere for that matter

She let me clip her nails but never let me brush her teeth. EVER.

Her jingling dog tag let me know when she was around.

Sometimes when her mouth was closed you could still poke her front teeth

I once tried this 'dog calming massage' on her that included gently pulling tail. She didn't mind it!

She would race up and down the fence barking if another dog walked by, and was super territorial.

More thoughts on death..

2008-11-10T03:01:00.000-08:00

Life is so lonely when someone you love most dies. Every other person or animal seems more like a robot, an unfit supplement, because they will never fill that same place.

I'm only 26 but I feel like I'm 86, just waiting for death to claim me. Life suddenly seems so long. And I wonder how real old people keep living when their loved ones are all gone. Do they find solace in others? The loneliness they have must be unbearable.

Life doesn't seem as precious as it once was, not when I'm so curious, so eager to get to the other side, because of that 1% chance that you, and the others that I loved, who died, may be there.

Today I want to remember.. that little bite on your nose that Beethovan gave you. The scar never did disappear. How I'd brush you and you'd enjoy it for a few seconds, but then get restless and keep trying to sneak away while I held your white legs.

Then when you finally got away you'd prance around and relish the freedom and sometimes it would be hard to get you back. Since it took an hour to brush you, I learned to give you a few breaks every so often.

You liked just lying on your side while being brushed, best. Because it required no effort. Silly lazy puppy. Then I'd have to flip you to the other side. Sometimes when I brushed your tummy your back leg would start shaking. I think its a nerve that all dogs have.

I won't forget how you shrieked so earnestly when Beethovan got to run outside and you didn't. You had a really piercing, incessant cry and you'd put your whole body into it. While Beethovan would just do this yawning cry.

dear lady #2

2008-11-10T02:41:00.000-08:00

dear lady

why don't i just continue writing you as long as i can? first i had the macabre dream about your death. the next nite i also dreamed you died, but in a nicer way, on a beach. i had been collecting seashells. it was sort of a contest organized by some resort or something. here on the west coast. 'who can find the smallest seashell?' an older couple were near me, and they had collected a whole pile.

the interesting thing though, was that the seashells were more like polished ceramic coasters, square with rounded corners, and they had pictures of seashells imprinted on them. they were delicate and pretty. even though i couldn't find the smallest one, i thought 'hey, it was worth looking here, because these other ones are so pretty and i want to take them home with me.'

then you came up to me, walking slowly, padding over the sharp shells and stones. i hugged you and you relaxed. i held you and you decided the time was right, so you took a deep breath and died.

i suppose if there was a way for you to die that was better than at the vets, that would be it. it was a nice dream.

then on the 3rd nite, last nite, i dreamt that mom wreaked havoc and embarassed me in front of my clients but that's kind of irrelevant. but also nice that i didn't dream about your death for a 3rd nite.

i miss you doggy. woof!

Dear Lady

2008-11-08T01:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Lady,

I had a macabre dream about you this morning before I woke up. I dreamt that instead of cremating you, we sent you to a butcher to skin you and chop up your body. It had something to do with a post-mortem autopsy and trying to find out if it was cancer or whatever else that was ailing you.

I took your remains home in a plastic shopping bag, all your severed limbs, and your head sticking out the top of the bag. As we walked down the sidewalk, I pet your head and you still looked as cute as ever to me, even though I knew you were dead.

Then mom said 'don't worry, her soul is following us.' I looked behind and there was another dog that looked just like you, following. It sniffed an open door we passed, and an expression crossed its face that looked just like one of yours. I forget exactly which expression it was now.

But when your 'soul' version came closer I saw it wasn't really you. It was another dog, with slightly darker fur. Then I looked at your head in the bag and you seemed to come alive a bit. Your eyes opened a little. I pet your head more. And then I could see your mouth was drooping and weird and I knew you were still dead.

But maybe if I kept petting you, you'd come alive again?

It was kind of a lucid dream, I guess, because it was disturbing, but not in the 'blood and guts' manner it would seem. Just disturbing more in a 'My mind is still having trouble coming to terms with the permanency of it all' type thing.

Watching CSI the night before probably helped too. But I also am confused and uncertain about the whole 'body-brain-soul' thing, and knowing what part exists, and what part is gone, and how can your body just disappear and turn into ashes overnight, when your soul was so vivid and alive still?

I'm confounded.

...

2008-11-03T01:42:00.001-08:00

It's Nov 3. It's been a week and 2 days since Lady died. I still stare at her pic every day. Every person and animal I look at in a different away now. As if they are vapor. Because there is no grey area between life and death.. either you're alive or you're dead, very dead. Even sick weak terminally ill people or animals are very alive, because they have their soul.

Today I looked at Lady's coat and remembered how the fur in each area felt. Some areas smooth, some fuzzier, some, like around her nose, hard, with bone under. The white part of her chest so silky, and coming to form a perfect "V" in the middle. Her smooth legs, and how the area between the tendons in her back leg always felt so thin, just skin and fur.

I think her nose used to be more wet as a younger dog but it was dry in her adult life.

Losing Lady has made me focus on family thoughts more, and how much I hate mom. How mean she was to me the day Lady died. How she glared at me in the morning when I woke up, but could be heard chatting cheerfully with Sera minutes later. She loves someone she met two times more than me. If Sera hadn't been there she would have gone apeshit on me, and spoiled the last memory with Lady. I hate her more than I've ever hated her, or at least now that Lady's gone, I'm more free to acknowledge it. Every single thing she's ever done to me has been circulating my mind the past few days and I'm debating whether or not to spill it to Dad.. I don't know if it would be worth it.. but I don't want to go back to Delta now that Lady's gone.

More..

2008-10-29T14:51:00.001-07:00

I also want to remember that it was raining on Lady's last night. But the next day was sunny, and for the past three days it was sunny too. Today, Wednesday, it's cloudy. I look at Lady's picture, the one Sera took when we were giving her her bath. And I am most afraid of forgetting everything about her. It's only been four days since she died, and slowly, the memories are already threatening to grow fuzzy.

I want to remember that Lady shivered a bit and looked around in a slightly scared way, when she first entered the vet's, before the first sedative. She knew she was in the vet's, and she always gets a bit scared there. But the vet said she was a 'tough dog' because she wasn't crying even though she was so wasted. She just lay there quietly.

The ashes must have come back from the vet already.

Bye for real this time, Lady.

2008-10-26T14:31:00.001-07:00

Re-reading the last post about Lady, I wouldn't have guessed she'd live three more years. Lady passed away yesterday, Sat. Oct 25th, around 1:40 pm via lethal injection. My parents and Sera were there. I want to remember everything, and never forget her sweet face and personality, so here's the events leading up to her death.

For the past year or so Lady had been losing strength in her back legs. She could walk okay for the most part but sometimes she'd collapse, only to get up again five minutes later. The last time I gave her a bath, she collapsed in the downstairs shower, and it shocked me a bit because I thought I had hurt her. But she got up again after.

This past year she started sleeping a lot more, and since I only go to Delta once a month at most, I knew I probably had under 10 more times to see her, which doesn't sound like a lot. But most of the times when I went back, I took her on some nice satisfying walks. Once, I brought Sera back to meet Lady and we walked down to the river near the blackberry bushes in the Watershed and took pics.

Lady got her paws wet and drank river water as usual. Walking Lady for the past few years had been a lot slower going uphill. No amount of cajoling could make her hurry up. But she still got excited whenever she saw the blue leash. I could tell she wanted to jump up on me and prance, but her body wouldn't let her, so her eyes were the sole means of communicating her excitement.

The last walk I ever took her on was 3 or 4 weeks ago. I went with Dad, and we went to the Watershed park. We didn't cut through the ditch like I used to; we took Summit. Lady did very well, and I even had trouble keeping up as she walk-jogged down the hill. We took some random trails towards the South, and Dad was afraid she'd get too far ahead of us and end up on the road, so we caught her and put her on the leash.

It was hard to catch her! She kept jogging ahead even though Dad chased her! When we headed back, we came across about four fallen trees across the trail. We tried to pull Lady under the first one and she wouldn't budge, so we tried to get her to step over it, but to no avail. Finally, I got dad to lift her over, since I didn't want to get my coat dirty.

We cheered her on. When she made it over the first one, we told her "Good job! You did it all by yourself!" and laughed because it was really Dad who did it all. And as soon as she saw the next three logs, she turned in the opposite direction and laid down obstinately, which was also funny. With more help, she finally conquered all four logs and made it home.. a pretty spectacular effort for a half-limping 16.5 year old dog.

Dad actually took her on about three more walks before she died, so he told me. Last Thursday Oct 16th, Mom called, saying Lady was in bad shape. Couldn't walk, had diarrhea, etc. and that I should come home to say bye. So I came home for a couple hours on Friday before work. I was surprised to see her in fine shape, walking around and even going downstairs to chew on a bone I gave her, in the pouring rain.

I dried her off with lots of papertowels and took some pics and videos. She stayed down in the yard after chewing her bone, and walked around in circles, like she was looking for something. She wasn't particularly interactive. She seemed more detached. No shaking paw or being playful. The only thing she did was lick my hands a few times, the last day I saw her.

Anyway, a week later, Mom and Dad called AND emailed, saying she was in worse shape. That she had laid down and never gotten up again. That she also had diarrhea. And that late at night, Dad had found her behind a bush, crying, and he'd carried her upstairs. Mom's email was this:

Sorry to border you again about Lady. Last night at 1a.m. Dad heard her crying in the yard, so he went out in the rain to look for her. She was hiding behind a bush. Dad got her to come out and she won't want to go upstair. She staggered a few circle. Finally Dad picked her up and carry her upstairs.

The day before, she staggered out of her house and flopped infront of it. She cried and did not even had strength to pull herself up (probably in pain). This past weekend , We insulated her house for her coat is so thin and she is not eating much. I even spent $50 to buy a bottle of bioflavanoid from the pet store, it is supposed to be very good for old pets. But she has constant diaherra. So I am afraid it is no use for her.

This morning she is lying outside her house in her waste and totally listless. I am afraid she is not going to last.

Do you want to come home in the weekend to explore some solutions?

I had previously not wanted to put her down, but I sort of decided then that we should. Mom wanted to do it Friday but I had work, and I wanted it to be on a day when everyone was around. So we waited for Saturday. Sera said she wanted to see Lady again, so I took her with me and she slept over in Delta. After work, I rushed over to T&T and bought two packs of frozen pre-marinated New Zealand rack of lamb to share with Lady for her last meal (And because I love it..).

Mom and Dad had taken Lady's igloo house apart and put the top half over her after laying her on newspaper and covering her with blankets. Mom got mad when I said I wanted to bring her into the kitchen. Apparently she stank, which Dad confirmed. But with the igloo top over her, she smelled okay. Sera and I visited with her, and after Mom went to sleep, I gave her two lamb popsicles, cut up. She LOVED it, and licked the plate. Gave her some water too. Although in retrospect maybe I should have given her more, as the vet said her leaky eye may have been a symptom of dehydration.

I stayed up late scanning photos of Lady, and highschool pics, and heard Lady cry a few times but nothing much. I went out to check on her a few times. The last time I went out, I tip toed out and then made a TSK noise. She woke up, so I could tell her hearing was still at least 50% there. I know her sense of smell was there because she could smell the bone when I hid it below the window the previous week. And she could still see too, but I'm not sure how bad her cataracts were.

She lay there with her front paws splayed out, and her head on the ground. It was raining and cold and there was thunder, or at least the sound of ominous jet engines. Obviously I didn't sleep well that night, and had dreams all night playing out next day's events. Although I woke up unrefreshed, I felt calmer, because my dreams had sorted out things for me, and mentally prepared me.

Her vet appointment was supposed to be at 11, but was postponed until 1. At 11, we all gathered to give her a half bath (wash her bum), since she'd been lying in poo and pee. We lifted her on top of an overturned laundry basket to do so, and blow dried her fur after and it worked well. Then we took lots of pics and videos and I fed her more lamb. She licked the plate again. Before her bath, Dad and I laughed when mom sprayed water in her eye to wash out what looked to be an infection, and lady lapped up the water that fell on the plate mom held underneath.

After the bath, she obviously smelled and looked much better, and we covered her with a blanket and let her lay there for 45 minutes or so, before her appointment. Sera noticed she stared right at the camera when Dad was filming. She wasn't as interactive as her past self, but when we laughed, her ears and eyes would perk up. And she waved her tail a tiny bit before the bath but I don't know if that was out of happiness or otherwise.

Sera and Dad have all the pics and videos; I have yet to see them. I want to see them but am not in a huge rush. It would be good if I viewed them later, maybe months later even, so that my memories of the events would be independent, and watching the videos would be fresh and new, like having her here again. Then maybe my own memories, and the footage would combine to give me the most accurate memories, rather than the pics and videos being a crutch.

I'm so glad Lady was in such good company in her last moments. That was what she always wanted most, besides walks. To be with us, and be part of the family. That's why she spent 95% of her time at the window, and whenever I was over, the window would always be opened so she could stick her head in. There was nothing as comforting as petting her soft head, and giving her the back of my hand to sniff or lick. The fur around her mouth was so soft and fuzzy, and I'll never forget how it felt on the back of my hand, or when she snuck her muzzle in my ear and went 'sniff sniff sniff... WHUFF!'

It's weird putting all this into words because it's pretty much been unspoken for 16.5 years. I felt like I was looking into a mirror when I looked at her face. Sometimes we'd stare at each other for 10 minutes nonstop. When I was sad at Gilmour I'd go down to the garage and cry and hug her. Sometimes she'd get so serious, and I'd want to make her have fun and be a puppy again. So I'd get down on my hands and knees and pretend to be a dog... growl, bark, and when she wasn't looking, pinch her and clack my teeth so she'd think I'd actually bitten her.

This was like speaking her language, and she would without fail, always be delighted when I did that. She'd bounce up and down, taking little jumps, like an arching dolphin, and shake her head in a silly way, or play 'catch me if you can.' Sometimes I'd run from one end of the deck to the other and she'd try to catch me, making a huge ruckus as her nails hit the deck. Then I'd stop when I got to the railing and she'd jump up and put her paws on the railing and I'd pet her head as she smiled and panted.

When I wore my black cat slippers she'd give them a strange look, no doubt wondering if they'd come alive. I'd often give her scraps of table food, and late at night, if I was staying up to write an essay on the computer, I'd sneak her in the sliding door and let her lay under the desk to warm my feet. And of course, later, I'd have to push her out in the cold again due to Mom's rules.

Her favorite places to go would be Watershed Park, Wade Rd Park, and Seaquam field. No matter where in the neighbourhood we walked, she seemed to know when we were passing one of those, and she'd pull in that direction and sometimes leap up and lick me if we turned around and didn't go where she wanted. And when we came home, she'd walk as slow as she could, dragging her feet to show she wanted her whole life to consist of one neverending walk.

Lady's personality was more of a crybaby than Beethoven, and that's why I think I liked Beethoven better when we had both. But it took Bee to die for me to appreciate Lady so much, something I never thought would happen. It really showed me how we can miss subtle beauty that is overshadowed by other things. Beethoven had a strong, crazy personality and I admired him almost for being a role model, inspiring me with braveness. Lady was more a dog to be protected, which inspired the opposite in me.. a more nurturing quality.

She was always scared of other dogs, and tentative around new people. She'd stick close to my legs and hide behind me when other dogs approached on walks. It amazed me how a member of the canine species preferred the company of me over other canines. It amazed me how a homo sapiens like me preferred her company over other people. It was almost like we were part of our own species, which was neither homo sapiens or canine.

One of my favorite memories was going down to the river in the watershed park maybe in grade 10.. and finding a hidden spot behind the huge tangles of blackberry, where there was a small stream/ditch, with chirping birds and other pond creatures/plants. Nobody could find us there, and Lady would splash around in the water, getting muddy and wet.

It has been so long since we took her on a real hike on a mountain though. Dogs' bodies apparently start deteriorating around age 8, so probably around the year 2000 was the last time we took her on hikes. But I do know she loved hiking, or going anywhere in a car. There are too many memories to list... taking her to the local Delta airport / marsh area where I practiced photography and she ran in the long grass, Centennial beach with Julian, where she waded in the water, then sat in the backseat of his car on the way home...

I posted this the other day:

She had a great life.. but of course, she could always have done with just one more walk. She lived for walks. But what dog doesn't.Sometimes she used to take herself on walks. If someone accidentally left the back yard gate open (before we installed a spring loaded latch), she would tiptoe out, and amble down the street. Not that far, but sometimes she'd be gone for an hour, sniffing around, and we wouldn't even know until a neighbour would return her. And she'd have a slightly guilty yet victorious expression. With a dab of feigned innocence. Like "Aha! I fooled you, silly humans. But I will act like I didn't know it was bad, so that my doggy conscience won't bother me when I escape next time!"

I never want to forget how she was scared of thunder and fireworks and would bark forever and we'd put her in the garage or workshop. How she made me feel unafraid to walk around my own neighbourhood. When you walk by yourself around the block, it is a bit strange. People don't really go for walks by themselves, although I wouldn't have minded doing so in Ontario. But here in BC, she instilled a sense of freedom in me, and helped me get out of the house more, which was a good thing.

I don't even want to forget little, 'insignificant' things like how she would eat grapes just because she saw me eating them. Or how much fur she shed, so that it would take a good hour to thoroughly brush her (raw food diet might have helped prevent that). Sometimes her side lip would catch on her upper teeth, making a sort of playful sneer. I sort of captured it in one of the last vids I took.

I'll continued to write down more memories later, as I think of them, but for now, on with the recount of her last hour. We were going to put her in the back of the minivan but I decided right away we needed to use the back of my car because there was more room. Jared carried her down on her mat and loaded her in, then pet her to say goodbye. Mom and Dad fought a bit as usual, about who was going to come along, and without Sera there I'm sure it would have escalated into a much larger argument that would have ruined my good memories of her death. (That last phrase is sort of an oxymoron).

The vet was only 5 minutes away. Mom went in to confirm we arrived, and they took a payment beforehand. Mom and Dad didn't care to get her ashes back, but I did, so Dad paid the additional $40 for that later on. I asked the vet for a brief diagnoses; I wanted to be sure we were making the right choice. She said that Lady was possibly suffering from organ failure, dehydration (which I feel a bit guilty about.. were we making sure she had enough water? She had a bucket and a plate of water nearby, but did Mom and Dad give her lots of water on the plate? I think so, because there was water sitting on the plate when I arrived). She also seemed to have a tender 'disk' on her shoulder blades, and possible spine problem. She had obviously lost tons of weight and had little meat on her. So I feel reasonably confident she was beyond repair. The vet said with certainty that it was the right time to put her to sleep.

"You can see she's not enjoying life anymore," the vet said. And indeed, Lady looked quite listless. The vet gave her a treat, and let us have some time with her before giving her a small sedative. The sedative took ten minutes to fully kick in, and as she relaxed and her eyes drooped, it seemed almost like a gift we were giving her. It seemed natural, like she'd wanted to relax for so long, but couldn't fully relax because she had been forcing herself to pay attention to the people standing over her, petting her and talking to her. Her body relaxed and she was calm. But, as Sera noted, her face still perked when we laughed. She heard us laugh!

Funny to be writing that I wasn't sobbing, but I mentally prepared myself beforehand and told myself "I want to remember her most accurately, and if I'm sobbing, I won't be able to absorb every detail. I want to focus on her, not wiping my tears."

Besides, I've been crying for years (yes, years!) as I anticipated this day. Not to mention crying all night for hours, in the past few weeks. After a while, crying becomes exhausting. Anyway, the vet said to take our time, and finally asked when we were ready for the final shot. She brought in her assistant to help hold Lady's leg as they shaved off an area. She asked if I wanted to add it to the bag where she'd already shaved off some fur from the left part of Lady's neck as a keepsake (Lady was lying on her right hand side). I said no, because the hair was really short and fine, and would likely just look messy when mixed in with the long fur. In retrospect it might have been nice to have some of that softer, shorter fur too, but oh well, there has to be a point where you stop and say 'no more keepsakes' or else you might as well embalm her whole body, and what good would that be? It would be creepy.

The final shot was an overdose of sedative, the vet told us. I held Lady's head, and it was as sad as was to be expected, but I was able to control my emotions and not cry too much. I put one hand over her mouth so I could feel her warm breath. We were told it would take about 10 seconds for the shot to take effect. It seemed like a lot of sedative in a big needle, and it went into her vein in her back leg for a long time.. maybe a full minute.

She breathed maybe 10 more breaths.. longer than I expected until she gradually stopped. It was so gradual I could barely notice the change. The vet checked her heart and told us it stopped, but I still felt one last tiny breath after that. Then she lay still, and her eyes were open, so I shut them as best as I could, although they didn't really want to stay totally closed. We stayed petting her and talking to her for 10 or 15 more minutes. My Dad kept a hand on her chest, making sure her heart had stopped, I supposed. I gave her lots of kisses on her nose, and called her a good doggy, which of course she is.

It was really a good way to die, and I remarked that I only hope I could go that way too... eating a rack of lamb and peacefully falling asleep. The vet and Sera referred to her as 'sweetie pie,' and indeed, she is sweet, but I find that too girly for her. She is more of a 'good doggy' to me, since I know her wild teenage years. I don't regret putting her to sleep. She was already half wasted away. I wasn't so upset about her withered body, but the most shameful sad thing was how it affected her personality. How she didn't seem to have the will to go on, or be playful. I tried to tell myself she would have if she could have. To not be able to fully show her love to us was the worst thing. I'll take those last few hand licks from the night over nothing, however.

The thing that cuts like a knife is the fact that I've accompanied her as much as I could throughout life, but I couldn't be with her when she left us via death. She's always been a scardy cat and I worry about her even now, if her spirit still exists somewhere. I worry that she's lonely and missing me, as much as I miss her. I'd rather I feel all the pain of missing her than for her to be out there somewhere, crying.

I've thought so much about the unconditional love she gave me, and how she is/was the last being on earth who truly loved me unconditionally. I could do no wrong in her eyes. The only thing to do now, it would seem, is to in turn, find other dogs/kids/people to bestow unconditional love upon, so that they can have the same memory. I really think the best thing to experience in life is unconditional love. So now that the Uncle Tony's, Grandma Watsons, Beethovens and Ladys of my life are all gone, it's my turn to play that role for someone else. The question is, who will it be?

For now, I'm trying as hard as I can to remember every detail about Lady, because memories are sometimes so unreliable. The best memories are fleeting feelings and snapshots that are imprinted randomly on my mind... the feel of her soft muzzle, that 'wuffle' in my ear.. her shivering even when it wasn't cold, her whining and barking for attention, and.. how could I forget, her EXHILARATION when I came home. As the years went on she didn't have as much energy to show her exhilaration, but I still remember it, and Mom and Dad would smile when she flipped out over my arrival. Barking and crying and running around, and wildly sniffing me, and sneezing, and hoping for me to procure a leash. We obviously had a connection nobody else had. It is those times I want to remember most, because she made me feel more wanted than anyone else in the world.

And during those peak years.. from puppyhood to maybe age 10 or 12, she had the physical strength that gave her the freedom to express any emotion she wanted.

I find it surreal that Lady's gone. She's been a permanent fixture for more than 2/3rds of my life. I'll probably wake up sometimes expecting her to be alive and then realizing she's gone. Even though I was present at her death, I sometimes feel like I may doubt she is really dead. Right now her body is probably sitting in a refrigerator at the vet's, cold and lifeless. She will be sent out tomorrow morning for cremation, and her ashes will come back Tuesday. It's all so surreal, and I kind of wish I could have been euthanized along with her, so I could climb into that fire with her. But I guess I have to do the 'sane' thing and instead sprinkle her ashes in the Watershed park. I thought about saving some to take back to Ontario and sprinkle in the woods, but that would be like splitting up her body, so I think just the Watershed Park will be fine.

It will be nice to know that the remains of her body are in the park, every time I walk there. When I walk there, I'll see her sniffing through shrubs and galloping around like a young puppy. I miss her so much, and I'll probably think about her every day until I die. I'll write down more memories of her that come to me later. I love you Lady!!

Honored to be like Mathilda

2005-08-14T17:00:00.000-07:00

So wiggs sent me a lame 'code' in a lavalife chick's profile to decipher, whereupon i asked to see his profile, and critiqued it, and then sent my personal ad profiles for critiquing, which lead to this, of which I am quite proud:

wiggs
natalie portman in the professional? haha
4:43
bijou- 9 days (eep)
whats wrong with that :|
4:44
wiggs
nothing.. I didn't know you liked that movie that much.. you know it's one of my fav right?
4:44
bijou- 9 days (eep)
hehe is it? kewl
4:44
» i dont recall that
4:46
wiggs
I still have to get the special version
4:46
bijou- 9 days (eep)
whats on it
4:46
wiggs
have you seen that one?
4:46
bijou- 9 days (eep)
no
4:46
» brb
4:46
wiggs
it's got more scenes
4:48
bijou- 9 days (eep)
ah i see
4:48
» i gotta see it again..
4:49
» i liked it cuz it was touching.. sniff.
4:49
» and the age differential..hawt
4:49
wiggs
http://www.dvdverdict.com/reviews/leondeluxe.php
4:49
» yeah.. the international version has more of the relationship stuff
4:49
bijou- 9 days (eep)
i dont think i ever saw all of the beginning..
4:49
» wow interesting
4:50
wiggs
it was deemed a bit too much for north americans
4:50
bijou- 9 days (eep)
cool!
4:51
wiggs
it's 24min longer
4:51
» you know Mathilda always sorta reminds me of you
4:51
bijou- 9 days (eep)
i wonder what else happens in 'their relationship'
4:51
» really?
4:52
» how?
4:52
wiggs
I dunno, the pseudo nhilistic yet not at all sorta attitude
4:54
» and her demeanor in general, the way she takes an instant fascination to being a hitman
4:54
bijou- 9 days (eep)
hehehe
4:55
» well i'll be darned.
4:55
wiggs
and the way she bristles at direct authority yet still digs it
4:55
bijou- 9 days (eep)
glad to hear i'd be fascinated being a hitman :D
4:55
wiggs
because it comes from Leon
4:57
» I'll have to get the fancy version so I can keep your spirit alive when you're on the other side of the world
4:57
bijou- 9 days (eep)
u mean get it after i leave so i can pout and bristle on the other side of the world in envy?
4:58
» :P
4:58
wiggs
haha
4:58
» pouting and bristling.. I bet that would look hot

Lady

2005-08-10T20:01:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to post about my 'last time seeing Lady,' my dog. Because I'm going to Korea, and she is old (about 13) I may not see her again.

The second last time I saw her, Julian and I gave her a bath with warm water and brushed her, and took her to the watershed park to pick blackberries. She waded in the water and got her legs muddy. Julian commented that she knew the way to go. I told him how there are half a dozen entrances to the highschool, where there is open space to run. She knows them all and will jump on us if we pass by without stopping. She also 'forgets' where she lives at the end of a walk and tries to walk right past home because she wants more walk.

I went home yesterday (Tues Aug 9) to get my camera receipt and have lunch with parents. I almost forgot to say bye to Lady. I walked outside and she was dozing at the top of the deck stairs, her head pointed towards the back yard. I didn't really say anything, save for kissy noises. She was still clean from the bath (I would hope so!), a few stray hairs around the sides, and doggy breath. I ruffled her head and gave her hugs and smoothed out her ears. I gave her tons of kisses on the muzzle with an accompanying 'MUAH!!' with each one. She wiggled and smiled in dog fashion and licked me on the lips. I wiped it off and looked at my mom standing at the door.

"Jo's in a hurry!" my dad was saying. "She doesn't look like she's in a hurry" my mom said, observing bittersweetly. I am.. sorta, I said, and I turned just as Lady offered me a paw without being asked. She put it on top of my arm.

Because I didn't really say a proper goodbye to Beethovan, Lady's brother, I wanted to make sure I did this time and remembered every moment. She's still pretty spunky but even so, if she is still alive when I come back, I'll still consider it an exceptional bonus.

When Lady was a puppy, we put her in a cardboard box with her brother to take them home. Her brother was calm and easygoing and tried to climb out. Lady screamed and yelped. Lady was there when we played in the woods in Ontario as kids; she used to race me around the house. She was a lot more wild and energetic back then. It was particularly traumatic for her coming to BC on the plane. It was difficult for me to adjust to BC as well, and I think we both encouraged each other through that.

Both Lady and I love BC now, despite the many years it took to adjust. So I think there was definitely meaning and purpose in her doggy life and my human life coexisting. I love Lady and will remember her often and fondly.

Learning to Leave.

2005-07-21T21:08:00.000-07:00

I always hate leaving or parting with anything familiar.. people or objects. I love change but I hate the end of things. When I was a toddler, my parents used to read me this little book of kids poems before bed. Twinkle twinkle, Winken, Blinken and Nod, etc. The last poem was about everyone going to sleep and I used to bawl my eyes out at the end, each time. I don't think I would have remembered it myself but sometime later my parents reminded me of it, and I immediately felt the same. Ever since I was 2, I've hated the Big Epic End of Things.

I also remember when my mom used to sleep in my bed sometimes, but it was a tiny single bed, so often she'd wait till I was asleep and sneak back to her double bed with my dad. Waking up on the mornings, subconsciously thinking she was still there, I experienced a horrid sense of abandonment when I saw the pillow next to mine with a dent where her head used to be.

Leaving my dog Beethovan behind in Ontario was much less dramatic, because we left assuming we'd see him again. I patted him on the head, took Lady, and left, not knowing that the next time I'd see him would be 7 years later, as he lay under a circle of round stones. Leaving my Uncle Tony was the same. The last time I saw him, I was sick and lying in my parents' bed. He lay a $20 bill on the pillow next to my cheek and left. I marvelled at how I took it in stride... until I cried 10 years later. Leaving my classmates followed the same patterns.. more excited about the impending change to be sad, until I was suddenly floored with a sense of loss later..

After the Ontario phase, I began to duck out of leaving ceremonies even more. Kept it low pro and subtle. When I left Swiss Chalet, I only told my managers. It made leaving so gloriously painless! No giving of speeches, no awkward silences, no repetitive ' best of lucks ' and ' keep in touches. ' Later, when I went to a coworker's wedding, I noticed that everyone avoided me.. most likely my less than thorough goodbye was interpreted as dislike of my old team. High on my newfound discovery, I took the same approach when I left SFU, when I left my church, and when I left Romania. I felt bad leaving Romania - they threw a big hoopla and I didn't have a speech prepared or anything. They asked if I had anything to say and I shook my head.

Recently I came to the conclusion that I really need to work on my leaving skills. Leaving is just as important as meeting, and getting acquainted parts. Because if you don't leave properly, the whole 'getting acquinted part' was just in vain.

So I made the whole leaving work thing a long drawn-out process this time. I wanted to make people feel good, feel appreciated. I was tired of people just leaving all the time and not saying a proper goodbye, not being recognized as having been a part of the office. So I notified my supe months in advance, spread the word myself soon after, sent my supe a cute cartoon'd letter two weeks in advance, and sent about 60 people an appreciative mass goodbye email 2 days before d-day. I started making some rounds several days in advance to indulge in some goodbye convos. Then, today, my supe really surprised me by actually pulling the whole team out of the queue for half an hour to give me flowers and eat a Hello Kitty ice cream cake.

In a way I felt guilty, because others who had left never received such treatment. I felt like I'd kind of asked for it via the elaborate goodbye process. I would have been happy had they not done that. But I also feel very flattered and humbled that they did. And most importantly I feel very satisfied by leaving properly for once.

Real post

2005-07-17T22:46:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since these lanky piano-esque fingers tapped some not so random patterns into a blog-like entity. I'm sitting here stroking Mittens as the Mister tinkers away with his berry mashing devices in the kitchen. The fish are incredibly hyper.. they're always hyper in the morning and night and flippy in the day. I fed them some gooseberry.. and now the Mister fed me some eclectic all-berry drink that made my neurons fire rapidly.

I contacted the blogger folks the other day asking if there is some program that will let me me combine all 5 or so of my blogs into one giant monoblog.. the mother of all blogs. Unfortunately there isn't, so I guess the general public won't be seeing the all the sides of my personality in one 3-D conglomerate anytime soon. I have a blog for my gothy thoughts, a blog about boys, an older blog from a few years ago that was linked to a circle of friends I've grown out of touch with, this blog, and a blog where I was going to explore religion but ditched it after the first post.

The mister's blog is what motivated me to start blogging again.. and I'm the one who motivated him to start one.. so perhaps I was subconsciously trying to motivate myself by proxy. These precious few weeks before I leave for the 'strange faraway country' (aka Kim Jung's future personal island) seem vivid and slow-motion. Not that the time is going slowly.. it seems to be going quite fast. But because I'm savouring it, I pay attention to every detail and watch it like a car crash.. or a sun set.

I sometimes think about what Tantalus said about how he's going to plan to go to Korea over half a year in advance.. because it's the time before you go that's the best. Now I'm distracted by cooking shows and stuff. Till the next entry!

Really cool things I wanted to save:

2005-01-17T19:12:00.000-08:00

1. The beatboxing match from the karaoke party last week: Kat commented today she wished she had recorded it. Me too.

2. The cute animals & Santa gingerbread display at the Hyatt. It was the cutest thing I ever saw and I am so sorry I did not have a camera.

3. Walking home from work yesterday, me and Saaf stopped at the traintracks and looked east at an industrial fog-scape. The tracks disappearing into the fog, which was stained orange with 4 steetlights. Entire area covered with snow and riddled with hundreds of black crows. Camera, where are you when I need you?

4. Some song J was playing in his car on the way back from his company party. I wanted to rewind it but I also wanted to be considerate and not rewind it. It was so good. But he deleted it off his pod and now its gone.

I guess the fact that all these rad things couldn't be saved makes their experience sweeter.

quizzo my nizzo

2005-01-16T21:23:00.000-08:00

I'm stoked. I made one of those lil 'test your friend's knowledge of u' quizzes and out of 13 ppl.. R. was the only one to get 100! He guessed the colour and the rave thing was fuzzy. But whoah, he knows me best out of 13 ppl so far. :D PS. If you haven't taken the quiz yet and read this blog, don't read this yet!

RIGHT 1) Where did I grow up? c) Ontario
RIGHT 2) Was I ever a raver? c) Went to Sweet Gets Wicked in 2000 only.
RIGHT 3) What's my favorite music? a) House and Trance
RIGHT 4) How many pets do I have? d) 1 dog; Lady
RIGHT 5) What did I major in? c) Communications
RIGHT 6) What's my ideal night out? b) I'd rather stay in with my computer
RIGHT 7) Where would I rather be now? b) Greece, London, Tofino, and especially Romania.
RIGHT 8) What's my favorite colour? a) Blue
9) What's one of my favorite movies? c) Secret Things
RIGHT 10) Am I naughty? b) Yes

Rank Name Score
1 Chris 100 <-- cheated. not his real score!
2 wiggs 100 <-- ding ding!
3 Matt 80 <-- guy i hardly talk to who stalks me at work
4 dave 80 <-- never met him but we know each other really well via msn
5 Jayson 70 <-- workmate
6 Julian 60 <-- ex-workmate
7 jared 60 <-- my own BROTHER thought i was a candy raver!
8 Sera 60 <-- i got 60 on her quiz
9 Loki 60 <-- not bad for someone i hardly see
10 Janet 50 <-- i got 60 on her quiz too
11 Evan 50 <-- workmate haha i knew he'd suck and think i like PINK best
12 Sir Albert Herbert Floofypants 40 <-- i thot he'd know me better but good company doesn't necessarily equate with knowledge of facts about a person
13 Danilo 20 <-- he's allowed this score.

HI!

2005-01-12T15:03:00.000-08:00

Here I am posting something solely because my new keyboard needs some extended testing. Type type. Max is now complete. He is all black and silver; so leet. The only thing I may get later on is a LCD monitor for him. But for now this CRT is fine. And it is black.

This keyboard is making the grade!! It is so effing rad. It's a Logitech extra flat one, flat like notebook keys. You actually move your fingers less to type, and there is hardly any noise. Plus it looks so space age. Hm time to find a picture again.

Omg look at this rad leetness, people. Does YOUR keyboard have that kind of flatness?

Ok so here's what I've been doing lately:

Today - lazy day in researching digicams (belated grad present to-be) and deleting everything off Honoria (old comp).

Last night - weed/karaoke goodbye party featuring: raw scallops from Nova Scotia, a Nova Scotian rapper, a Quebecois-Jamaican rapper, and a local butcher who also rapped. Much rapping occured, to the sounds of Prince and Abba.

Night before - wrote a long blog entry about my favorite beneficial friend of two yrs, R. Decided it was too mushy so published it in my ultra-secret blog only.

Night before that - Dinner / Pie night with aforementioned friend.

Night before that - It gets kinda fuzzy from there on but I made lots of pies and stuff and other stuff. Hanging out with a few newish ppl I've met. Saw Garden State -- good indie film.

New Years Resolutions

2005-01-05T23:51:00.000-08:00

I only have a few new years resolutions for 2005:

1. Come to a conclusion / workable plan what kind of business I want to start or what career I want to have that will actually bring me satisfaction every day and that will make me motivated to get up and work daily.

2. Follow my heart. Continue to ignore what the world thinks and break down preconceived notions. Short-cut to accomplishing the most important goals in life I want to accomplish and forget about the rest.

3. Beautify my life more, and bring out the Pisces my landlord says is repressed.

4. Care about other people more and be more altruistic.

5. Stay healthy.

I will check up on these resolutions on January 1st, 2006! :)

Weekend!

2005-01-05T23:35:00.000-08:00

I hung out at a friends last nite and learned how to beatmatch records and watched 'garden state' (has a really good soundtrack, including frou frou -let go and postal service), then went up to sfu today to help another friend research a business proposal for his tennis store, then slept 5 hrs and had a nightmare about a serial killer, then made 6 batches of pie dough. Sherry's coming tomorrow to finish making the peach pie and watch more dvd's!

mrrow

2004-12-24T01:27:00.000-08:00

I've discovered I like hanging out with myself and Max and msn best. I can do stuff when I want and devote as much thought to whatever when I want. People can be so funny online.

I like hanging out with guys second best. (Masculine lesbians are cool too sometimes) They make me laugh very hard and that is good. Goofiness can prevail and stuff doesn't have to always make sense.

And girls are last. They talk about secks, periods, relationships and the weather. They are boring and you must walk on eggshells to talk to them.

=)

...puritanly perturbed

2004-12-23T02:51:00.000-08:00

The only thing worse than a guy who talks about sex too much is a girl who does. I cannot *stand* girls who have to mention every other sentence that they've done it on the top of a bunkbed while their brother was on the bottom, they whack off in hotel showers, they notice stretch marks on their legs...... when their legs are raised while having SEX. Every single promising start to a conversation has to wind back up at sex. Like stfu.

I can't stand girls with potty mouths either. Sure, I can get a little lewd if I'm talking to a good friend, but there is an occasion for everything. This was at a small Christmas dinner tonight, where not everyone knew each other, and this girl hadn't known most of us for longer than a few hours. We really didn't need to know the intimate details of her sex life.

Whenever she mentioned something, there'd be kind of a silence and people would look away. I think she felt proud about making people feel uncomfortable and for being 'edgy' and 'non-conformist.' There are so many people out there who think that bringing their kink to the dinner table makes them cutting edge, risque and feminist, when all it does is make them look stupid.

Work Party 2 & 3 Reviews

2004-12-22T01:25:00.000-08:00

My work party

Eats: .5 / 5 It said dinner on the invitations. There was no dinner, only appies.

Entertainment: 2/5 Omnimax made me nauseous. Toys were ok. Dancefloor had a good vibe but the venue made it seem empty.

Raffle: 0/5 None! And no speeches! The night needed some unity to hold it together.

Venue: 2/5 Science World is nice and all but its just not formal enough for a formal event, and too big. Bad ambience.

Extra: 5/5 Was great knowing lots of faces there of course, and meeting some new ones. Revelation of coworker's dancing styles = priceless. Karaoke after at 2 Parrots = hilarious.

9.5/25 ... ooh dismal failure. Somehow I still had fun. I'm a harsh rater.

J's work party

Eats: 6/5. I say 6 because not only was it the best food of the 3 parties, it was probably the best food I've ever had in my life. Smoked salmon, veggies with 'essense of orange,' rare steak, prawns and oysters, halibut, chocolate-drizzed fruit.. oh my.

Entertainment: 4/5 Present-stealing game was entertaining. Middle aged corporate women drunk out of their tree, catfighting over presents = (y)

Raffle: 4.5/5 Not bad for a 50-person company! A tv and lcd monitor and some other stuff..

Venue: 5/5. Westwood Plateau Country Club. Perfect size and ambience.

Extra: 2.5/5. Medium score because the people at our table were kind of meh & the venue was far to get to.

22/25 WINNAR WINNAR.

Prrrrty

2004-12-11T01:54:00.000-08:00

I have the pleasure of attending 3 xmas work parties this December. I'ma review 'em all. Here's the first:

The Stimmy Rockstar Party.

Eats: OMFGROTFLMAO! If dried out prosciutto jerky, suspicious stuffing and brown celery roots are your thing. I guess the company knows that 1337 G4M3R5 who eat pizza and chips all night will eat just about anything. 0/5

Entertainment: DJ Girl rawked the house yo. Stimmy provided mad strobe light f-x. Drama-prone girls wandered around and so did space invader characters that do have names. ('splitter,' 'pulser' 'mystery ship' and '10, 20 or 30 pt. invaders so hah.) 4.5/5

Raffle: Dinky cars and ipods. 3/5

Venue: A cozy size for a cozy-sized company, and nice tropical decor and boob paintings. 4.5/5

Extra: Above-par jacket finding abilities and cab flagging skillz ensured I didn't go home cold, wet and mugged. 5/5

GRAND TOTAL: 17 / 25

Not too shabby, y0.

Max is gonna pwn u.

2004-12-09T14:22:00.000-08:00

My new comp (aka Max):

QTY DESCRIPTION UNIT PRICE TOTAL PRICE
1 Antec Sonata Quiet Chassis w/380 W Truepower $ 133.00 $ 133.00
1 AMD Athlon 64 3000+ S939 1.8Ghz 512kb $ 208.00 $ 208.00
1 Asus A8V Deluxe Athlon64 S939 SATA/Lan/Sound/1394 $ 171.00 $ 171.00
1 Corsair Value Select Dual Channel 1024MB PC3200 2x512MB $ 217.00 $ 217.00
1 ATI Radeon 9800Pro 128MB $ 321.00 $ 321.00
1 Seagate 120GB SATA 7200rpm 8MB $ 125.00 $ 125.00
1 Panasonic 1.44MB Floppy Drive - black $ 15.00 $ 15.00
1 BenQ DW1620-BK DVD + - 16x4x16x Dual Layer $ 84.00 $ 84.00
1 Microsoft Intellimouse Explorer Mouse $54
1 Logitech Ultra-X Keyboard $44

spooaahh

2004-11-25T13:55:00.000-08:00

A female acquaintance is coming over any second to do spa demo thing for a line she's selling.

I turned off all the lights last night and lit a candle and thought about how on earth I could make more money.. fast.

And suddenly it dawned on me.. it was right under my nose. I'd thought of it before but I didn't think of all the synchronicity and how it would just make the most sense.

So I'm off to buy a better computer. Not a pillar, I hope, but I do have a secret desire to be able to play Half Life II and equivalent games on it.

I cleaned my room and parts of the house over the course of this 'weekend.' There's really good chi in here now and it looks spa-like enough for whatever procedure is about to happen......

2004-11-24T11:18:00.000-08:00

Basic, cross body "switching sides", spot turn (lady to right), cross body (both hands hold & up, lady turn left), spot turn (lady to right, to unwind hand), cross body, cuddle, cuddle (arms up), she turns/he turns (3x lady, 2x man), helicopter (man), crossbody

2004-11-22T23:19:00.000-08:00

basic
basic
rotate
basic
spot turn
rotate, lefthand turn
basic
turn lady
backhand turn man
turn lady
backhand turn man
turn lady
basic
cuddle lady
basic
cuddle lady arm up
basic
man helicopter arm turn
basic
rotate

2004-11-18T22:59:00.000-08:00

holy fuck what a haircut blog

bitching about salsa lessons? LOL

tonite i ate 1 shroom and watched city of god.

the carpet wiggled a little bit and moving my arm has NEVER BEEN SO TRIPPY!!!

before that, a friend called to ask me to google what time virgin records closes. i couldn't find the website. i typed 'virgin records google' into google and then i laughed so hard i was crying and couldn't tell him what happened and i had to hang up..

city of god was disturbing.. very disturbing. but as equally disturbing 'the cook the __ his wife and her lover' (i forget the exact name)

bleh
its late and i have to work in 7 hours

and

i'm sick

>.< basic, and basic

2004-11-15T21:46:00.000-08:00

I'm taking Salsa lessons. Tonight, my second lesson, was so very frustrating. Most of the people in my class have gone over 5-6 times.. add to the fact I'm not very spatially coordinated and you get a case of me stomping over toes and wanting to cry.

We have to rotate so we dance with a different partner every few minutes. Some of the guys are helpful and try to show me what to do. Others TRY to be helpful.. I guess. But they get impatient and start yanking me around and commanding me to look them square in the face instead of watching how other people do the steps.. while they drip with sweat.. and it's ugh.. so frustrating.

I also tend to try and lead and being the girl I'm supposed to follow, be submissive, take smaller steps, look up, stand straight, put some weight into my steps. It's a real test in patience and being submissive. I wanted to kick some people in the balls so bad because they made me feel so bleh.

Especially Mr. Eastern European football player and Mr. Jewish or Eastern European Male Chauvinist Blockhead Pig.

LOL!!! And this is supposed to be a fun hobby!

My friend K is the best to dance with. We came home after and practiced for an hour. We're gonna practice an hour before Friday's lesson so the lesson goes a bit more smooth.

Status

2004-11-10T23:57:00.000-08:00

Ten years ago, I:
1. Was playing pogs in my grade 7 teacher's class (whom we got fired because she didn't teach)
2. Was taking horsebackriding lessons
3. Was wearing Northern Getaway clothes

Five years ago, I:
1. Was into breakdancing
2. Thought highschool was a terrible waste of time (and it was)
3. Was dating Steve (ugh)

One year ago, I:
1. Moved away from home for good
2. Got 'let go' from my job for the first time ever (and i needed the $!)
3. Was at uni, taking a 'how to teach ESL' class.

So far this year, I:
1. Graduated and started working fulltime for the first time ever (yay!)
2. Moved 4 times (including back home for a month)
3. Have been able to start focusing on making other parts of my life more balanced and aestetically pleasing (before, it was all school-centred)

Today, I:
1. Passed my final road test
2. Took my dog for a walk in the woods
3. Spent $492 (on a sweater and pants, new hairdo and my license)

Tomorrow, I:
1. Will go downtown and spend more $ on clothes (I do things all in one fell swoop) 2. Will clean both washrooms and empty the compost
3. Will be anticipating salsa dancing Friday nite and Jay's party Sat. night

In one year, I shall:
1. Have paid off my student loan and be more financially stable
2. Have outlined how I'm starting my own business
3. Have become reaquainted with nature and renewed my allegiance to all things green

In five years, I shall:
1. Probably not be married with kids, but I wish!!!
2. Be running my own business
3. Be living in the country, and own a dog and some other pets. Or maybe be back in Romania.

Stuff

2004-11-06T19:50:00.000-08:00

I'm SO thankful for ppl who influence me positively. Sitting here, I have a bag of opened caramel popcorn (landlord-inspired), incense (joel), and listened to really good music all day (Viscous Solid by Aeroc, thanks to Ross). My ipod is nicely protected (Ross), and the cords I'm wearing I bought based on Sera's zealous recommendation a year ago (super comfy). The candle holder I bought today is clear and simple, and my decorating style is becoming very minimalist and uncluttered (again, landlord, who is an artist with great taste-- I must tell him that more often).

I bought a huge foot and a half long candy necklace for Jay's belated birthday (coworker). I never woulda bought something so 'childlike' / silly / candyraver-inspired but Jay.. well you just gotta know him to gain an appreciation for such things. His desk at work is cluttered with toys and he's always wearing cool homemade jewelry and carrying 'phatty pipes.' The cold pressed Organika North Pacific Salmon oil at my foot is for my dad. I bought two jars, based on David's recommendation (he said he noticed his thought processes speed up after taking it), which I find pretty intriguing.

Everything is from someone, or acquired because of someone. If I didn't socialize or interact with people I would probably have some shitty assed stuff. Or maybe less stuff. Regardless, my stuff breathes 'people.'

Some of the 'stuff' isn't so tangible and materialistic though. My taste in music has been shaped predominantly by guys I've dated. If I want to get in someone's mind, I listen to their music. I guess that's why. I'm starting salsa lessons this Saturday, inspired by an acquaintance and new dance partner, Ken. I do situps and tan and keep out an empty plastic bag for waste when I'm cooking thanks to Joel. Every time I make a move I actually hear either Joel or my mom in my head advising me how I could conduct the task at hand more efficiently.

It gets annoying sometimes having a memory of someone brought up whenever I do something or use an item, but in general, I'm happy to be a non-island man.

We wrote stories.

2004-10-22T19:23:00.000-07:00

A friend wrote me a story on msn last night. And so I wrote him one back. They both impressed me much more than I would have imagined. Here they are:

Ryan’s Story

Once upon a time there was a little girl who lived with her parents in a small cottage near the edge of a dark wood. She had very few friends for she lived in such a solitary area, but she was quite close with her grandmother, who lived alone in a small shack deeper into the woods.

She often went to visit her grandmother, though her parents warned her that she should not venture alone into the dark woods. She would tease them and say that animals were more scared of her than she of them, but they would ominously warn her that there was worse than animals lurking in the dark.

Still, the girl was young and impulsive, and thought herself quite brave and safe. One afternoon she filled a basket with bread and honey, donned her favorite red hooded cloak, and went off down the nettle-strewn path into the shadows.
It was a short ways into the woods, with the canopy blocking out the dimming light, when she heard a rustling in the underbrush off to the side of the path.

"Shoo, silly creature! I am not afraid of you, and you should be of me!" She said playfully, but with a hint of nerve in her voice.
She was quite surprised when out of the shadows stepped no beast, but instead a young man.

She had never seen him before, either in the village or the woods. He was quite the sight to see, for he was dressed in nothing but a pair of ragged trousers. His body was broad and sinewy, his skin tanned from sun and work. He was covered in what she thought a preposterous amount of hair, far more than her father.

His chin was coast with the stubble of a beard and his hair shaggy, but his face was made all the more surprising from the broad grin upon it. "And why," He asked quite jovially in a deep, booming voice, "Should I fear you, Little Red Hood?"

Little Red was quite surprised, but she soon found her tongue. Though her cheeks burned as red as her cloak, she spoke back with insolence. "For I am the Queen of these woods, and you are trespassing on my lands!"

The hairy man regarded her for a moment, before releasing a booming laugh that shook the eves above. "You must forgive me, madame, for I had not known these woods were ruled, let alone by such a beautiful young girl. Had I known, I would have made effort to gain an audience before treading on your lands."

The girl struggled to hold her composure, though shocked and embarassed by the hairy man's eloquent speech. She lifter her nose in the air in an effort to seem regal. "Well, I should punish you for the affront." The man, seeming quite amused by the play, dropped to one knee in supplication and splayed out his arms. "O' Queen of These Woods, please, have pity on a poor traveller. What might I do to gain your mercy?"

The girl smiled quite smugly at this, for she rather liked having the powerful brute kneeling before her. "You... You shall accompany me to my grandmother's house. As my envoy, and my protector. You shall pledge your life to me."

The man raised his head and looked at her, and she found the play was gone from his eyes. "I do." He said, with an earnestness that surprised and confused her. She felt her cheeks beginning to burn again, so she stomped her foot and began off down the path. "Come now, you've made me late enough!"

The man stood and brushed the fallen leaves from his knees, then hurried to fall into step. As they walked he spoke knowledgably of the forest, of the trees and animals and the ways of nature. He was polite and genial, and treated her with respect. She did not know what to make of this strange man, but she found herself listening to him enraptured, and giggling girlishly at his jokes.

Before long they were at the grandmother's house, naught but a tiny cottage of timber and thatch in a dark grove. The door was open, as it often was at dusk to let in the cooling air. The girl moved to rush forward in excitement, but she felt the firm hand of the man on her shoulder. She looked up to see his expression, firm and wary. His nostrils flared as he sniffed at the air.

"What is wrong?" She demanded with agitation. She felt afraid of his strong hand digging into her shoulder. When he spoke, it was little but a growl made words. "You must not go in." He said. The girl felt a sudden pang of fear, looking up at the man. He looked quite frightening as the shadows of evening crept in. "I wish to see my grandmother!" She demanded, and wrenched herself free, leaving the man holding only her red cloak.

She ran for the cottage, shouting for her grandmother. She was just about through the door when a shadow leapt forth from within, and directly at her. She was knocked to the ground in a flurry of filthy fur, animal musk and ravenous growls. She found herself pinned beneath a growling black wolf. The wolf held her down and looked at her with beady yellow eyes, slobber stringing down from its jaws. She wished to cry, but could not, for its weight was crushing her. She surely saw her own death in the glistening ivory of its fangs.

The girl closed her eyes, unable to watch her own death coming. But when she expected the pain of jaws digging into the soft flesh of her neck, she instead heard a yelp and felt the weight disappear from above her.

When she opened her eyes, she saw the wild man had thrown the wolf off with his own body. He was locked in a terrible combat with the beast, attacking it with his bare hands.

The wolf clawed and bit, rending the wild man's exposed flesh with it's savage attacks. But the girl was shocked to see the man fought with an equal fury, landing blows with his powerful fists, even biting the wolf with his own teeth.

The girl knew he would surely die, for no man could best a wolf in unarmed combat. She knew she should get to safety while she still could, but she was unable to move, mesmerized by this battle to the death in the tall grass of her grandmother's grove.

The match seemed quite finished, with the wolf holding her sworn protector by the collar, when the first rays of silver moonlight pierced the light night clouds. They lent an eery glow to the grove, but more notably as they touched the wild man, they seemed to pierce his being, absorb into his very soul.

The girl watched in amazement as his body began to change, his muscles twisting and his bones rending. He released an agonized cry, not from the bite of the wolf but from the contortions of his own form. His hair grew thicker, his mouth transformed into a muzzle. When all was done, he stood as a silver wolf, even larger than his ebony opponent. The wolves growled at each other for a brief moment before attacking again, with renewed fury.

The bout was purely feral now, tooth versus tooth, claw to claw. But it was clear from the first moment who was destined the victor... Within but moments, the silver wolf had bested its yellow-eyed shadow, and the beast lay dead in the dark grass. As the moon-tinted wolf slinked back towards her, she feared she would be rent as well. But it stopped before her, and from its blood-wet lips, the gravelly voice of the man spoke.

"Little Red Hood, I have come from far lands to claim these woods as my own. It was my destiny this eve to battle the black death, and to take his mantle as ruler of this forest. I had not known that I would win, but I had thought that would be my only challenge. I had not expected to take a queen as well."

The girl swallowed hard as she looked into the glowing eyes of the powerful beast before her. Though the voice was still firm and even, she could hear the savage tone of the woods in it. She knew that her options were few, but that her grandmother had fallen to a wolf this eve, and she would not suffer the same.

Hiding her shaking knees, the girl drew herself up and addressed the wolf in what she could manage of her regal tone. "Champion, you are welcome in my woods, and I would be happy to have you rule at my side. I welcome you to your new kingdom." And with that she knelt down and placed a kiss on the wolf's muzzle.

With that she led the wolf into the cottage to consummate the new royalty of the woods, and the girl could not help but smile knowing that henceforth, there would truly be none in the woods who did not fear her.

THE END

Shi’s Story

Jacinder and her mother had just arrived in Canada. Olive green couches and shag carpet were in, and Trudeau was on his way out. Jacinder had every intention of fulfilling her father's dreams of higher education and marriage to a worthy young man of the Brahma caste. She licked her lips as she arrived at Vancouver International Airport, and breathed in the thick salty and damp air.

The clouds were low that day as the couple flagged down a taxi, and bribed it to drive them to their new home in Vancouver. To Jacinder's surprise, the cab driver stared dumfoundedly at the money waved in their hands, and spoke to them in their language about paying after. Jacinder let her mother, a seasoned traveler, do the talking, and she quietly slipped into the backseat while her mother knitted and purled verbally with the mustard seed yellow-turbaned cab driver about the Emergency back home.

Jacinder zoned out and let herself gaze out the window at the husky-voiced seagulls and mist that swirled like the lackadaisical American jazz that she had heard on the plane on the way there. Bits of conversation swirled in her mind... 'Sikh....' .....'guru'.....'injustice..' Her good posture sagged into the comfy, over-padded back seat which emitted the faint smell of sweat and cigarette that is especially potent when the chance of precipitation is high. Suddenly, Jacinder felt the muscles in her back twitch. She knew she had taken her seizure medication before the plane ride... but had she forgotten to take it with all the excitement during?

No sooner had she stopped to think about this, her back flinched again. In horror, Jacinder froze, as she realized this was not the onset of a seizure, but a hand, reaching between the seats, from within...what she imagined would have to be the trunk of the cab. Paralysis overtook her previously relaxed body as five nails scraped through her sari, madly tearing at her flesh.

Jacinder gazed in the rearview mirror and saw the cabbie's furious eyes, as he debated a fine point in Indian politics with her mother, who was equally engaged. She sucked in her breath sharply. She would not panic. She jerked her body forward and with the precision of a young Arabian mare, whipped her delicate head around to rest her gaze on what were three brown, calloused, gnarled fingers, and two stubs.

Boldness and curiosity coupled with jetlag overtook her fear, and with two hands, Jacinder pried apart both rear seat cushions, to get a better view of the trunk. As she did, a vortex of ice-cold wind rushed through her ears, drowning out all conversation, and all her thoughts. She could see the wind, a thicker, denser type of air, thicker than the Vancouver fog. The crippled fingers gestured, the seat-hole widened, and the wind grabbed her and sucked her into the back of the trunk.

In the back of the trunk, Jacinder sat. Strangely enough, she was not the least bit afraid. Perhaps she was still on the plane, dreaming. Perhaps she hadn't taken her medication and she was having a seizure. She imagined her body convulsing. In here, in her dream, in her mind, it was peaceful, as she lay next to the cold, wrinkled body belonging to the gnarled hand, in the rather uncomfortable confines of a Ford trunk. She focused on the body, its cold flesh against her warm, supple skin. She was hesitant to move, but instead, her mind rapidly transcribed sensory information as the body itself moved... and shifted.. itself on top of her.

It's fingers twirled themselves through her long dark hair like Mexican birdspiders and she repressed a shudder. The being was wrapped around her, it's sharp pelvic bones jutting into her back, it's ribcage gnawing into her back as it squirmed and writhed, pressing her head further into the spare tire.

At once, Jacinder felt her body go lifeless, as if into a hibernation mode. While her body had been sucked into the trunk, her self, the real Jacinder, was being sucked into the being. She submissively co-operated, as there was nothing she could do to prevent this strange and fluid voyage. She entered the body of the cold, bony being, and saw through it's eyes the hands in her body's hair.

Jacinder felt the once ice-cold body she now inhabited warm up. Her old body was still lying there, and she reveled in how soft its skin felt against her weathered flesh. How perfectly rounded and supple it's buttocks were under her sword-like hipbones. Immediately, she allowed one crab-apple tree hand to unwind itself from her former body's hair, and tear rapidly and greedily at her yellow and gold ornamental sari, and underlying panties.

While in her mind she was a woman and had always been a very feminine one at that, she climatized very well in what was now obviously a very male body. Her protruding, dry lips and large teeth bit at, and sucked the tender nape of her former sleeping body's neck, and one hand parted the warm flesh between her legs. Without a second thought, Jacinder's mind commanded the strange body to thrust into her body, like a legless beggar takes to a plate of free rotis with chicken and fresh yogurt.

The Ford shook with the strange body's pent up power, and for a second, Jacinder feared alerting her mother and the driver of her whereabouts. That thought left her head so quickly, however, she doubted it ever existed. She was filled with a raw, animal lust she had never known, and which nobody at boarding school had ever informed her existed. The pleasure she derived from being inside her own body filled her loins with tingling and made them of a substance that felt lighter than helium. Growing up the baby of her family, she had always been called beautiful, but it was not until now that she fully realized what that had meant. 45....78....120 times, her body pounded into her body.... each time harder than the last.

Finally, pleasure consumed her, her mouth opened, and she released a cry, reminicient of a racoon with its arm clamped in a trap or a female alley cat, enraged after mating. The cry shook her, devoured, her, rattled on in its cacophony for what seemed like an hour, and out of her open mouth shot a long, golden chain with a pendant on the end. Jacinder reached out to grab the chain, and as she did, the female body under her moaned. The chain looked familiar though, and she ignored the waking body to stare at the chain clasped in her claws, her eyes nearly adjusted to the dark. So hazy, so fuzzy... so out of focus. She blinked hard in a vain attempt to clear away the cataracts in her old bestial eyes…

And suddenly, the chain popped into focus. She looked up, and found she was seated on seat 2-A, row 13, on a Bowing 727, heading to Vancouver International Airport. She looked down again at her nimble, French manicured hands, and wondered how long her eyes had been fixed on the pendant clasped between her tapered fingers. Jacinder shook her head numbly, ordered a glass of cold water, and leaned over her sleeping mother’s arm to plug her headphones into their shared armrest.

THE END.

2004-10-20T18:54:00.000-07:00

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man
walked. As they went along,
some people remarked, "It was a shame the old
man was
walking and the boy was riding." The man and boy
thought maybe the
critics were right,
so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked,
"What a shame, he makes
that little boy walk, " They decided they both
would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought
they were stupid to walk
when they had
a decent donkey to ride. So the both rode the
donkey! Now they passed
some people that shamed them saying how awful it
was to put such a load
on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were
probably right, so they
decided to
carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they
lost their grip on the
animal and it fell into the river and drowned.
Management Lesson:
If you try to please everyone, you will
eventually lose your ass.

Future.

2004-10-20T18:40:00.000-07:00

During my monthly review, my supe asked how i'd like to advance in the company. Just a routine probing question to test for dedication to the company I imagine, as I'm not advancing faster than others or anything.

I mumbled some stuff about teaching people one-on-one and demonstrating things for classes. She asked me what I want to do in general now that I'm done school and I muttered something about buying a car.

What I really want to do is can peaches, learn to knit and sew my own clothes. Also paint, write, photograph and create. Learn to skateboard, ride a motorcycle, and surf. Camp more often. Learn about horticulture and gardening. Start a home business.

None of things were too corporate-world-oriented so I didn't say them in the presense of my supe.

tues night (friday night)

2004-10-20T13:08:00.000-07:00

Coworker JB, and I went downtown last night and did nothing. I had a white hot (lukewarm) chocolate and jolly rancher martini. In my race to get the whipped cream at the bottom of the former, I ended up throwing hot chocolate in my face as we paced down Granville for the 71st time looking for something to do.

The old east indian parking garage guy came charging out of his booth like an enraged armageddon genie bottled in New Delhi in 1408. I laughed so hard I started crying as he yelled at us and I looked out the passenger window so he wouldn't see but it's hard for laughs to come out when your neck is twisted and I'm sure he saw me howling anyway.

...blender

2004-10-17T19:19:00.000-07:00

Lots of people on my blog list had interesting updates today! Fuzzyland and Jaredism and Reen and Bumblefly and Geekgirl all had interesting posts. My turn to think of something to write about...

Last night I ran straight from work to view a place for rent near Trout Lake. 60 people had called the guy but persistance paid off and I was the first to see it. I took it on the spot and the landlord, a 40-something year old artist-photographer, and I, talked for a good hour about art and travelling and his need for space. It was a nice sort of intuitive thing. He said I'd be a perfect fit there and seemed as delighted as I was. He spends most of his time in the Okanagon and will be building a studio there. The house is a 1920's heritage home that he spent 18 years slowly remodelling. The interior, formerly dark brown, is now bright white, minimalist, yet funky. I will be sharing the house with two girls mainly, whom I haven't met.. but I am pretty sure I will get along fine with them. The one who lives on my level is a former hotel manager going back to school, apparently.

I came home and C. asked me to come to Cuppa Joe to see his friend play the violin. I hadn't had dinner. Suddenly R. messaged me saying:

"oh btw... did u look in the bag you threw out my blender in? I think you may not have removed my cartons of almond milk. They are missing "

Backtrack a few days ago at R's place. I had come over unnanounced so he had taken off to workout and left me some veggies to chop for dinner. I chopped them but shattered his blender. I cleaned up the glass and put them in a small bag on the ground that looked like garbage. I had also opened a .rtf file with my name on it in his documents to see what conversation of ours he'd saved.. it was just a boring one about rape I knew he'd saved. Then I opened the one below it, and above it. The one below was another boring chat. The one above answered the question I've always wanted to know about why he suddenly lost interest in me after we started dating. I already suspected this was the case and he had hinted at it, but this just laid it out on concrete. He has only been smitten by one girl in his life. She won't have him, and he compares all girls to her. Nobody measures up. Ironically and to my astonishment I had actually cried about that a week earlier. Not in a 'he doesn't like me ..waa' way. But because it is so frustrating to see him want someone so badly, to know he actually cried about her and to know he will never get her. To see so many 'love chains' where person A is infatuated with person B but person B has no interest in anyone but person C.. and so on. Anyway, I was feeling doubly guilty for snooping and breaking his blender.. and then he messaged me to say I also trashed his special almond milk which he had bought because he suspects he's allergic to soy and cow's milk. I'm so terrible.

So I asked C. last minute to drive me to Capers to get R. almond milk replacements. I wished to right at least one wrong and he wanted it right then, so I thought it'd be a good idea to show up at his door with a surprise milk drop-off. This took 1 hour as traffic was packed on Robson. I could run faster than the car was driving so I jumped out of the car as C accelerated, bruising my hip, and sprinted from Burrard down to Denman. The milk was delivered and we raced off late to the violin gig. Now I owed C bigtime for missing his crush's (who doesn't return said feelings...see above) birthday gig. "You can make up the punishment for me" I said.

So he forced me to stay out all night clubbing and made me drink copious amounts of Jager. No ice allowed. At 3:30 am he drove tauntingly past my house in east van... (I had thought he was going to drop me off there) and then CONTINUED THE FUCK TO TSAWASSEN!! Just to play around. I had to wake up for work in 3 hours and I was going to Tsawassen. I slept there for an hour and then he drove me back to Vancouver, which he later admitted was kind of pointless. I was kind of annoyed but I couldn't compain because I did owe him.

Two Tylenols helped me get to work but I fell on my ass walking there and skinned my palms. I still owe R. sushi for the blender I broke (his suggestion, as he wants to upgrade his former antique to a $100 state of the art one). I think my debts to R and C are pretty much repaid now. How do I always dig myself into such holes??!!

shi, b.a.

2004-10-08T22:21:00.000-07:00

I just made an offer on my roomie's furniture and appliances. He DID say obo on most of the stuff.. and that it had to go.. but I wonder if I was being too cheap ... LOL.. he's 'thinking about it.' I can't wait to hear a resounding YES! I just knocked on wood.

I got him $25 gift certificate and a nice card to thank him for letting me use his stuff the past few months before this. I havaen't given it to him yet.. probably on Nov 1st.. but it's nary a drop in the bucket, he's so well off.

He actually wrote TV-$15 in his list of things. I asked him if it was a typo and he said why.. you want to pay more? Or less? I said.. umm that sounds a bit cheap for your TV... (It's probably worth like a couple hundred dollars.. its a GE and a few years old). So he was like 'yeah I was just making up numbers.' How's $50?

My mom was like...you're not supposed to say that!! Say $15 is fine! Hehe.

He's a nice guy but he has absolutely no sense of humor.

I gradumacated today.. it was.. meh. Actually it was quite bad. But having my parents there made it 100% delightful. They sat right behind me during convocation. And while other parents brought their kids flowers.. my mom brought me a coffee in the middle of the ceremony because it was freezing! And she left the flowers at home (peach roses) so they wouldn't get bruised. How thoughtful! Their grad gift to me was a promise of a digicam. This is from parents who usually give their children Bibles and bags of white rabbit candies at christmas.

My parents NEVER get us expensive electronic stuff so I'm doubly surprised, bemused and excited. My mom also made a full thanksgiving dinner today since I don't get Monday off. And packed a big cooler of turkey and other food for me to take back. My dad showed me his mom's grad pics, and other ancestral black and whites. And my mom took me to get professional grad photos (we found a place in Surrey that's half the price of the ones offered at SFU). Wow I feel spoiled today!! I thanked them a lot for everything but probably not nearly enough.

I think I am going to hire rental guide to find me a place by Nov 1st. I have very picky requirements and searching had made me depressed over the past two days.

fgd

2004-10-02T22:36:00.000-07:00

There's this guy at work who collects toys. TONS of toys. He talks like a raver. He spins breaks. I was surprised he has a 4 month old son.

N came and left today. He started moving his dvd's. All his furniture and TV, microwave, I can buy if I want. I have my eye on them. I put the couch cover in the dryer though and the stuffing got balled up. How do you fix this?

I'm so tired. I walked a lot today, house hunting. I found my dream place to live. I WANT IT NOW. I circled the building 3x in hopes that someone who lived there could tell me how I can rent a place there. Finally someone came but she didn't know. I may go stalk it again tomorrow. I am so ready to ditch this 2nd rate place in favor of something more aesthetically pleasing. 29 days to go.

Today was the best day in terms of cph and customer satisfaction. I think ass was kicked. My left index joint hurt a lot during the morning. Stay together, hands, so that your owner can get some dough and pay off her debts!

Man.. I feel so out of touch with the world. No interaction with community or news.. Just come home, sleep, work, repeat.. this must change.

Sixtyten

2004-10-01T23:20:00.000-07:00

None of you bloggees update enough! Ahawhweee! More reading I say! I need my daily updates! *Peers into your lives*

So I just gave my notice to my landlady tonight. Good riddance! I won't miss the spiders, crazy biotch upstairs, trashy back alley, flooding back entrance, and greasy Chinese food smell. When N takes all his nice Ikea furniture with him, there won't be any point of staying here, except the new carpets. And who wants to stay for that.

Work went a bit faster today. I hit some really good tunes today that R. gave me. By Boards of Canada and The Flaming Lips. I had my one-on-one with the supervisor and I was as flippant as I get. I think I'm doing okay but all the recent turnover and such is making me value the job less and less. The money makes me value it more and not totally slack off. Although I do manage to get quite a bit of chatting done on msn with my co-workers (6).

J. left me a stupid message in response to my email. Of course I am not replying, and what he said makes me want to reply even less if that's possible. He says something along the lines of, 'There ARE other options, Shi. You can choose not to know the truth if you want. And you know, I was thinking, YOU could have called me too. You know.. using a phone, like normal people do." Stupid condescending fucktarded asspoodle!

Asspoodle.
Asspoodle!

Haha!

Now, I want to talk about a song called Aquarius by Boards of Canada, which captivated me today. The first thing you hear is sort of an ambient lounge track. Then kiddies saying 'Yeah, that's right!' And a grover-like voice says ORANGE! A lady teacher voice says ORANGE and the kiddies go 'Yeah that's right' and giggle.

Water swishes. Lady teacher says ORANGE. Grover says ORANGE. Kiddies go 'Yeahhh that's right.' And repeat a few times. This is like birth to age 2, where everything is right or wrong.

Then suddenly preschool ends and cognitive, serious life begins..this is where everything is rational and prescriptive... lady teacher counts .. 1....2....3....4...5....6...7...8...9....10...11....12..... all the way to... 36....Grover interrupts with ORANGE a few times.. then the numbers go berzerk.

Midlife crisis.

12....34.......67........sixtyten.....24........72.....

Stuff gets fucked up! Oh no. Were grover and Ms. Teacher lying? Naw. They've taken the rational consecutive knowledge and applied it to something abstract. Bits of Grover and splashing water peek through the chaos. 'Yeah, that's right,' the kids say wisely, and laugh.

...yeah, go listen to this song! it's neat. PS. The above is my own interpretation. Perhaps its not meant to mean anything. But I think it was sort of meant to give an impression similar to above.

Here is my email back.

2004-09-28T18:08:00.000-07:00

I wrote 2500 words as soon as I got his email. I chopped most of it out today, and this is the email I am sending him....

I’m sending you this email multiple times until I know you’ve gotten it because your email isn’t working.

Joel,

It’s not so bad that you’ve found someone who better suits you, and found a place to live that doesn’t suit me, even though we had agreed I’d be moving in with the three of you the last time we spoke. That’s all pleasant and dandy. It is the way you ostracized me all week and didn’t think I was worthy of being updated on any of these things that makes you low and sub-human.

Reading what you wrote in your email makes my heart twitch a bit but it does not hurt me at all compared to how I hurt over the past week, from the last night you spent here, to the night of your party. You barricaded yourself from me all week and I cried because I had no idea what I had done wrong. You really killed me inside.

You don’t know what its like to have been in my shoes, to have dragged myself to your party alone. You didn’t call that night like you said you would. I half expected you to show up at my door but you didn’t come. I know exactly what it’s like to go to a birthday dinner where you literally know nobody. I knew exactly what I was going to put myself through and I thought about it all day and wanted so badly to stay home.

I called your place, and I called Angela. I can picture you telling her to tell me you were in the shower. I walked out my door anyway. I almost kept walking straight to Stanley park instead of going to Kalypso’s. I turned the other way up Robson, and walked a huge loop before coming back. I hoped Angela had given me the wrong directions. But her directions were perfect. I stopped at the steps of Kalypso’s and stared at the menu for a long time. I was so close to turning around. I pulled myself up the steps because you were my friend and I did not want you to be hurt if I had missed your party.

I arrived and I hugged you and you barely looked at me. I sat at the end of the table, across from nobody, and ate my dinner alone. At your party. At the party of someone who called himself my boyfriend four days earlier. I could have left early to put an end to how uncomfortable I felt. But I stayed, because I cared about you and I wanted to be there to show you that, regardless of what my title was in relation to you. When I moved down to your end of the table, you didn’t talk to me. You didn’t look at me. To you, I was not there at all. To you, I was shit on the bottom of a shoe.

I hope you enjoyed your presents; I hope you enjoyed your cake. I hope you enjoyed being surrounded by good friends who care about you. I hope that every time you think back to your 29.5th birthday party, your happy memories will be tainted by the memory of you being an asshole. Do you know how fucking bad you made my feel by not talking to me, or introducing me to any of your friends, or even looking at me? Why didn’t you? Joel, you couldn’t have made me feel like any more like pure and utter fucking dogshit even if you tried. The way you handled the situation was immature. Inept. Incompetent. Childish. Self-absorbed. It was definitely not the way a man would have handled the situation. You can’t look me in the eye at a party I came to especially for you, because you have a crush on someone. Fuck that. You’re pathetic, and I’m glad you sort of realize that, even if not fully. A man (especially one as outgoing as you) would have swallowed his pride and set aside his own ill-at-ease feelings for a second to come down to my end of the table, give me a hug, introduce me to his friends, and make the best of an uncomfortable, but not unheard-of situation. Instead your friend John, seeing that I was alone, came and talked to me. Your friend Angela waved me down to your end of the table, while you sat in your childish stupor. It doesn’t matter if you have a crush on the girl next to you. It doesn’t matter if your fickle little emotions are putting your panties in a twist and oh my you feel so awkward. YOU DO NOT TREAT PEOPLE THIS WAY.

You've always said I don't tell you things in the moment. I know exactly how I feel in the moment, and if you were any other person I could tell you then and there. Instead I must pick and choose every word. I’ve walked on eggshells so as not to set you off on another big emotional weekly midlife crisis. You, on the other hand, don't tell me things in the moment because you're so busy making love to your own feelings you forget that other people exist. Your emotions are a big fog around you. You were so self-absorbed you couldn’t even bother to update me with a simple phone call this week to tell me what was going on. When I tell you I care about you, you drift off into your own thoughts for the rest of the night, your eyes rolled back in your head, sitting there lifelessly massaging your own ego instead of responding to me. When I tell you I missed you, you get angry and demand why I didn't tell you sooner instead of appreciating I told you that moment. When I tell you I'm excited that you're going to be my new roommate, you disappear, and become moody. For as long as I’ve known you, it’s always been about what YOU feel and about what YOU think. I don’t think I’ve ever even told you anything personal about myself, about my dreams, or anything important to me. This is not a subjective opinion, Joel, and I'm sure many people in your life can attest to how you let yourself be ruled by your emotions to the point where you become a self-absorbed prick.

You’ve sold me out way too many times to count, you’ve disappeared for days and months with no explanation, and I let you back in my life each time. You were welcomed back into my life a third time after running away for a stupid reason that most people wouldn’t have forgiven you for, but I did. You have now finally managed to sabotage our friendship beyond repair. Loyal and dependable people are hard to find and I will now value those few people I do have in my life a whole lot more. Unreliable and self-absorbed people can go fuck themselves (and I suppose they’ll have to, if they’re impotent like you).

Have a great self-absorbed life, and please do not ever, in this lifetime, contact me again.

His email from last night

2004-09-28T18:02:00.000-07:00

This is when he finally contacted me Monday night (last night), a day after his birthday dinner. The mystery of the birthday dinner is finally revealed here, and I finally became aware of what was going on that night:

Before I say anything else I obviously owe you an apology for last night. I amsorry.Now in regards to us and this e-mail and the events of last week..............Ithink I feel even worse. Well not so much worse but sad that you and I are sodifferent. I like you I really do. We have fun together and it feels always niceto be with you. Except for something we both have mentioned before. My emotions.When you went me this I was not overly sure what to feel or say. I knew thoughtthat I felt very off when you had not much to offer when I was there last.Jocelle I do not think you and I can ever be much more then we are. These twocool cats who hang out and snuggle. While this is healthy and fun I need andwant to be with someone who can make sense of my feelings and respond to themquickly. I know you do not mean to make me feel this way but when you delayanswering me on important things I feel like I am left hanging. Worse I feeleven regected. Again I know you do not mean it.I wanted to tell you all of this in person but I know written format seems tosuit you better :( and that alone is a reason why we frustrate each other so. Ithink what I am saying is I am retracting abit from any happy picture I may havetried to paint with you. In my desperate search to not be alone and replace whatI lost I try to heighten anything I can. I think I did this with you. I tooksome good times and comfort and started to try to build a future instead ofleting things develope naturally. Again I am sorry.Now as far as moving............We found a great heritage house to rent. Well the upstairs anyways. It is reallycool and a GREAT deal. The problem is it is 2 bedrooms. Now one of the rooms issomewhat devided and oddly shaped. It definately could house the two of us. Iwill gladly share it with you if you still want to move in with us. I just thinkit should be made clear that we would be what we are just in a more daily formatas roomies who snuggle. This may be weird and asking too much. I leave it up toyou. The rent would be split with me and make it about $225.00 each. Wich isreally cheap. It is in New West near downtown. 10 minute walk to sky train kindof thing.Now you absolutely have to know this aswell. The woman who sat beside me (Lisa)and I met and really hit it off. I mean REALLY hit it off. SHe is very excitableand in the moment and full of life. Basically she is a helluva lot like mecommunication wise. I am taking things or trying to very slow with her but manwe get along awesome. I want to get to know her more and explore this conection.It is horrible timing I know. I did not know that I was having a surprise partylast night or I would have called you ahead of time to try to prepare you for anuncomfortable situation. I am sorry for that again. I wanted to talk to you buthad no time to try to explain or even had anything to explain as all of thishappened so fast. I just feel a weird and wonderfull draw to her Joel like bigerthan life aproach. I do not want to miss a thing she says.I feel like such a jerk about this. I do not know what else to say. It is notlike we are breaking up or anything but I just want to be fair with you. SOdigest all of this in your Joceele timetable and I guess we can talk when youhave sorted out how you feel. Sorry ahead of time if you get gurt from this. Ifeel bad allready :(Joel

Posts from my personal diary

2004-09-28T17:59:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to add these posts from my personal diary here, so everything Joel-related regarding recent events will be all in one place, and it will be more clear what happened. So these were written before the dinner event that happened last night. These were written the past week when J didn't contact me:

Entry 1:
...... I've cut off a lot of dead weight recently in my life. Many acquaintances, and people I just kept withing arms length... 'just in case.' Well really, I don't need all these people. In fact I really don't need anyone. As long as I have a job, and have money, I can buy all the help I need. What I need is just one or two (preferably one) person I can be close to and lean on for support. That person was and is (knock on wood) to be Joel.I like the idea of having one lover and buddy and person to come home to at the end of the day to talk to and snuggle with. When I spend time with him, or when I spend time crying when he's not around, I feel 0 appetite for talking to anyone who doesn't matter to me more than 89%.I've completely severed conversation with Vivien and rarely respond to Matt or Boost or anyone else on my msn. I'd rather have no friendship at all than an on and off one that doesn't go anywhere deep (Boost), or one that involves someone always hitting on me (Matt), or hanging around people who drive me nuts, but doing it because there are little tiny occurances where I derive some satisfaction from their company (Vivien).I'm very alone now. En seule. I mind it a lot on one hand, and not at all on the other. I only talk to people I like, and are peaceful to be around, who don't hit on me, and will have semi-deep convos with me.. like Ross and Saffi. They're the only other people I ever talk to or see these days.In the past I made the mistake of dating guys because I felt like I needed a support system.. guys like Davis or Kevin. I don't need any support system. I'm totally self sufficient, as long as I have a job. And this job I have is going nowhere for the time being. If I need to move I can rent movers and a van. If I need to cuddle I can go to Ross's and get a short but decent cuddle or two after sex. If I need someone to talk to I have myself and my blog. I also have peace through walking to the lake or listening to my ipod.Dating those guys helped me a bit... I got a few rides here and there and help choosing a suite..sometimes a bit of computer help.. but overall.. nothing I can't do myself or ask someone else to help with.If Joel decides he wants to take off, I don't think I'm going to suddenly try and re-befriend all these people I cut off. I really have no desire. I'm more peaceful when I havn't spread myself thin. This whole segment of my life has been focused on stripping away the less important things in life and prioritizing because I'm realizing how short life is. Don't read the instruction manual from start to finish if you can install it with a bit of trial and error. Don't buy printer cartridges if you don't really need to print and want an ipod much, much more. Nobody said you had to be perfect and cover all bases. Don't befriend everyone just because you don't want to hurt feelings, and because you want to have a network of resources. Instead, keep one or two close people around you. Or at least try to.

Entry 2:
Oh so now you're calling me because you feel like you revealed a piece of yourself and now you're all giddy and embarassed about it so you're calling me right? He says. This pisses me off because he's trying to reduce me to a psychological case study. This makes me feel patronized, like a 7 year old trying to sort out her emotions.I can't help being a little insecure when you've been doing the whole limp-rag 'somethings bothering me but i'm gonna act grumpy and distant rather than talk' thing for over 24 hours. So I compensate and act extra chirpy and cheerful to try and cheer you up. I joke and you don't see to catch them. I express delight at moving in with you, thinking you'll be happy about this because you've been bugging me for the past month to do so.You're still in limp rag mode.I sent you three emails and they were all meant to cheer you up. One was how you look hot. The second was thanking you for coming here to surprise me and cook and help me shop (you didn't get that one). The third was to say I don't mind dating you on your terms (that it will never be permanent) and that I also decided I want to move in with you and John and Angela. You got that email and you opened it this morning and you didn't reply.Instead you pretended not to get it when I called tonight, until a few minutes into the convo. Then you casually said you got it and hardly commented. Then some long awkward pauses. Frustrated, I said 'whaa-att!' Meaning.. "what on earth is wrong?"To which you reply that now Is Not The Best Time To Talk. Why? Because you're on a cordless and I'm on my cell and the reception is bad. I mumble something about talking to you over email and hang up.Now I'm here crying again for like.. the third time this month. The cry on demand thing. The can't do anything else for 2 minutes without crying thing.Before I thought it was because I missed you and cared about you. Now I'm thinking its for other reasons. Like, I get really sad when I try to please other people but it doesn't work. Or when others are disappointed in me, or I really don't feel like I have any control over whether you walk away or anything. I don't care if you do; I learned not to care after all the times you did. But it's that lack of control, that feeling.. of insecurity.. that feeling of 'something is wrong and I can't fix it.' That feeling that I'm being shunned by you -- that makes me cry.Now I want to slap you for saying 'Please be open and honest with me and never be afraid to tell me anything.' Because here I am trying to communicate with you and you shut me down. How can I ever be open and honest with you if I always to be afraid of this? How can I say exactly what's on my heart............. only to have... a non-response from you. For fuck's sakes even a negative response would be better. This is exactly why I'm afraid to speak my mind around you. I feel like what I've said has gone into a big dark abyss and I'll never know what's happened to it. You're meditating on what I said, chewing on it... or maybe not even thinking about it at all! And then, suddenly, it'll make you react.. maybe make you cheerful again, and make you that totally 'wrapped around you in public like a lovesick monkey' Joel again.. or it could make you run off and not contact me for 3 weeks.How the fuck am I supposed to say anything, or move a fucking joint when I'm walking on eggshells like this! You're a fucking sea of eggshells and I'm a 500 lb deadweight no matter what I do!Fuck you for making me cry again..Here I am one day all happy and in your arms and thinking I have a place to move into in a month and the next night I'm off messaging other people with rooms for rent, and thinking maybe you're not my boyfriend anymore. Here I go, off to cry again. Thank you.

...

2004-09-27T01:39:00.000-07:00

i went...

i walked there slowly. i almost kept walking straight to stanley park. i stopped at the bottom of the stairs and stared at the menu, and took a deep breath. i really really didn't want to go. i have gone to a birthday dinner before where i knew nobody except the birthday person and i knew exactly what to expect.. it's not that fun. this was like .. so un-fun it was comedic. i hugged j, who was surprised to see me, and already seated amongst a sea of friends. i sat at the very end, across from nobody. he didn't come down once to say hi. his friend john though.. holy crap.. what a nice guy. came down right away because he noticed i was by myself. john and angela are the sugar mommy nurse and quiet computer geek couple. anyway.. john really went out of his way to be talkative tonight and so did angela. i think they might have known that j was mad at me or something, because they seemed extra sympathetic and nice towards me. i really appreciated it. i moved down from my lonely end of the table to john, angela and j's end when the bellydancing began..

j didn't even make eye contact with me. his friends were mostly really nice and want me to come bellydance, as j said they would. god.. i cannot believe what a fucktard he is. i'm not gonna get into the emotions i felt there, because that i'll save for another blog. ok fine.. i felt really cold shouldered. i felt like a black vegetarian jew in a KKK all you can eat ribs nazi establishment. why did i torture myself by going? i'm not sure. i can't think of one good reason.. except i wanted to show j and john and angela that i'm not a sell-out flake, and show j that i care about him no matter what our status or lack thereof is. ... .. . also because he had been bugging me for a month to move in with them, and said we'd be talking about it tonight as a group. i found out from john it's a two bedroom place which means i won't be moving in there for sure, now that i just told j the other day that i made up my mind i would. he hasn't told me anything about it personally, so that i can formally change my plans. i've just had to read into it and react.

......

I don't know.. was he happy? I'm not sure. I couldn't really read his expression, other than the fact that he was pointedly avoiding eye contact. The only times I spoke to him were when I came (hug) and when I left (another hug) and when I asked where my bill was. Before I asked that, he said 'how was your whole night?' That's all he said.

I went to R's immediately after. Usually R's place calms me but I was too stressed this time to be calmed.. R deleted all the music in my ipod by accident and filled it with new stuff.

he didn't introduce me to any of his friends. he didn't call before the event like he said he would. he called two days ago at work, the morning after he was mean to me on the phone. to apologize. that was it. if he didn't call then there's a good chance i wouldn't have gone. This is really horrible treatment, even if I'm just a friend (and i'm not; i'm officially the girlfriend).

But...
a) I just sort of cold shouldered V this morning on purpose.. I felt bad but I'm tired of her.. and if J is tired of me or whatever I can see how I should accept it because there is reason behind it.. people never really cold shoulder each other just to be mean. it's true.

b) Stuff like this really tests my stamina. As much as it tears me apart it makes me really tough and I feel a lot stronger when I put myself through nights like tonight.. and I like that feeling.

2004-09-26T18:03:00.000-07:00

i really really dont wanna go to j's surprise 29.5 bday party tonight. he was mean to me on the phone. and he said he'd call about tonight but hasn't ....but he doesn't know it's his party. this is the weirdest situation ever. i don't know if he even wants to see me there.. but it would be such a sell out not to go, especially to his friend arranging it..

god, this is like the nicest thing i'll ever do for someone.. ugh.. i don't even know any of his friends going. can u say awkward? they are all swingers too.

wish me luck.

*cry*

yawn

2004-09-23T21:08:00.000-07:00

So I'm just waiting around at my brother's place for all the songs I ripped off his comp to upload to my ipod, whose name is now "Poddy." There's so much more stuff I want too. Mostly from off of R's computer. I want his 80 gigs of mind-stimulating music.

...this was gonna be a long post but my hand has a cramp and my ipod is updated. more later.

bloooog

2004-09-21T21:42:00.000-07:00

Just posted this in someone's comments & thought i'd slap it on here too:

the most important thing to me is being true to myself. i don't care if i lose friends or potential friends because they read my blog. sometimes i look like a tard, sometimes uncaring, and borderline psychotic on my blog. i'd rather not have to lie to myself because this is the one happy little place where i don't have to.

...

2004-09-21T21:22:00.000-07:00

joel's here and he's cooking a feast
he helped me buy $100 of groceries cuz my man-like fridge is empty always
he banished me to my room cuz i stole cheese
then i came back out
so he said u can dump out the bacon fat
so i tried and half went on the floor and big flames leapt off the stove
i laughed so hard
back to your room!
he said
so now i'm here

he said sorry lots for being not here
lots and lots
'i'm the best unreliable boyfriend'
i laughed
he had good reasons
still, he coulda been here no matter how much trouble he was in
so i don't feel quite the same way
but still fun to hang out

updates

2004-09-17T22:18:00.000-07:00

J update: he was fighting on the phone w/ his exwife for 3+ hours which is why he never called me or got my calls. Sent an apologetic email this morning.

Work update: 104 chats again today. Also the highest on my team for customer satisfaction contest. W00t.

Ipod mini update: ~10 days till it arrives. doing retrospective research. finding out about some problem with the headphone jack being made of still connectors, which makes it easily breakable and makes the sound static-y. All good devices must have some flaw.

Food update: S (a co-worker) and i are doing a food swap at work...we make each other lunch on alternate days. rad. i made spinach salad for tomorrow.

Reading update: The Count of Monte Cristo is currently in jail, and has discovered his fellow jailmate's knowledge of Sparto's great fortune.

Current anger/annoyance level: 2/10. Whee!

2004-09-16T08:40:00.000-07:00

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

..wow i'm avoidant! like that's a surprise..

I must shun the cat

2004-09-16T07:51:00.000-07:00

3 strikes!
The first time, disappeared for 4 days unannounced. Was waiting for me to make contact first, knowing I didn't have his #.

After finally reappearing Friday nite, said he'd call Sat night and never did. (Later apologized, to his credit, and said he'd explain why, but never did.)

Last night, promised he'd come over. Called at 4, and told me to call back. Said he was working early today but left me assuming he'd be coming. Didn't call to cancel and phone was busy all night.

I'm not going to answer when he calls. It will be hard. I wish I knew how to block a # so I don't feel sad when I see it on my call display. If he writes a long email I might answer. Maybe.

I'd rather hang out with nobody than with people whose company I don't enjoy. I'd rather hang out with 1 special person than 5 sorta-special people. Not very many people make that list.. Some I hang out with because it's convenient, others because they want something from me (sex?) or I want something from them (usually just companionship, like for rollerblading.. because I feel safer going with someone else).

There's not many people I can have a satisfying conversation with, and totally be myself. (Disclaimer: Don't worry; if I've given you the address to this blog, and you're reading this now, and I know you, I probably enjoy your company.)

This is why I let myself get dicked around a lot w/ J. Making a vow to not answer his future calls isn't some oversensitive girly thing. Because a few weeks ago, I really opened up to him, confessed my feelings after he pried them out. I wouldn't have otherwise told him, but it seemed he really wanted to hear that, and said it was they were the best things I'd ever told him. Now he's run off with that info.. (possibly keeping it as ego-stroking material?).. and is keeping his distance, it seems.

I guess I'll be spending a lot of time inside, trying not to mope, and reading The Count of Monte Cristo again.

8&)(^&^&^&*^

2004-09-13T19:19:00.000-07:00

I talked to 104 Americans today which is really good. That's 16 chats an hour. I usually do around 10/hr. There's a new supe that sits next to me now. Was her first day here and she seemed kinda overwhelmed with all the new info, etc. Must be so weird to be hired in and know less than the ppl who will be soon working under you.

O. was giving me flack about my LULULEMON sweatshirt. Kits yuppie, yada.
Me to O: 'You're really anti-status quo eh? I bet you're all anarchist and vote Communist'

Then I looked at his shirt, and on it was the Marxist symbol. How odd.

Nobody really annoyed me today. I met some really nice people in chat. I stayed an hour and a half late to do some extra work.

I think I want to buy an Ipod or an Ipod mini. I've been reading the debates about the Ipod mini. They cracked me up, breaking up my angry stupor last night. Geeks are funny.

2004-09-12T22:09:00.000-07:00

I flushed out my rage with giggles and faux punches lightly disguised as humor and play. Lightly veiled logical smiles dance in a rage around their fumbling brains and furious fingers.

I feel the tears in my stomach when you're here. She can rage, she can rage, mud on my carpet, spiders in my drawers, food on my pants, quiet bills and loud paycheques.

It's different now that I'm less poor and more aging
You can always see this place again
Anytime you wish,
And we'll go stabbing
Myself in the neck

It's in the way that he poses
It's in the incense he burns
His stories are a tabloid magazine
He's always calling my bluff
He puts the weights
Into my little heart
And he gets in my room
And he takes it apart
His heaven is never enough

Today I climbed Mt. Everest by making pizza, taking a shower and walking to the store. I breathed your soul in my oxygen mask and I drank your absense in an ice shard. Tomorrow my heart beats again and I'll go flying through Nepal, my fingers visiting Lake Tahoe and Tampa Bay and Texas. You'll probe at me through some optic fibres and I'll smile at you or let my subconcious hate you, and you'll feel this and hate me too, but I'll treat you like a pawn and you'll have to love me in the end. I'll gloat and whip out my calculator and you'll be a number, divided by time, to gain a raw score.

A score that feeds me more pizza and earns me more trips to the little asian-run grocery store where smiles are free of charge.

And there's 5 minutes left. There's always 5 minutes left. I didn't have time to write down my thoughts and I have to do it again. I just grabbed a cd from your shelf. The Devil's Pleasures, and a real breast and a fake rubber cock attached to a rubber suit, and a philharmonic sound my father could appreciate...

The people who use the most visited website in the world are mostly nice, but they're the stupidest bunch I ever met. They shouldn't be allowed to own computers. My hand bones grate and I'm getting arthritis as I tell them over and over what a browser is, and how to copy and paste, and why they shouldn't have given their SIN and credit card numbers out to a random junk email.

V, you annoy me like all get-out. Stop coming round to my desk. I have to put up with you outside of work; why should I have to do so at work too. God, you pervade my whole life. Go the fawk away! PS. You're annoying. Take a hint. I will waste no more words on you.

M, just because you submitted my resume to your supervisor, which netted you $500, doesn't mean I owe you my vagina. Stop hitting on me. Please. It's slimey.

Oh, and Jan, please keep your deep manly voice lowered. I know you want to loudly announce to nobody how you need space from your beloved, and how well you are doing at your job, but the ten cubicles in your radius don't need to hear it. PS. You're fat. You and V should team up as jogging buddies. Maybe I'll introduce you and you'll hit it off, gobbling nothingness at each other.

I'm too nice. If only I was this mean and un-politically correct in real life.

goals

2004-09-09T21:58:00.000-07:00

2 business 2 personal 1 health:

short term:
do some research re: jobs & life on the island/small towns
do some research re: writing/horticulture; practice writing & read 1 good quality novel before Nov 9

cut out the deadwood in my life (ie. the people who drag me down & the 'watercooler' people); actively surround myself w/ positive, goal-oriented people who don't get on my nerves.....or enjoy my own company

start apartment and roommate-hunting. december will come soon. preferably a clean, new place that i can actually start beautifying.

do at least 10 minutes of weights and 30 min. of cardio a day (not including walk to/from work), unless i'm reallly tired. if i do more of one i can skip the other.

long term:
run my own business or work for a small, innovative company
be outside or travel; not in an office

raise a family in tofino or victoria or saltspring
maximise my creativity; channel it into one thing that i apply all my talent to

get defined butt and abs, bulk up upper body, be able to run 1 hr nonstop

J left his clothes and dvd here.. muahah

2004-09-04T22:09:00.000-07:00

I think J is trying to teach me a lesson. We spent my weekend the best way I could ever spend my weekend: we basically snuggled and ate homemade cheesecake and watched Sex and the City (he likes it even more than I do; I've never really gotten into it but I have a feeling its every girl's dream that their boy would actually bring over a SATC dvd and play it, of his own accord) and talked about psychology for two nights and two days nonstop. We only left the house to grab some food at an English pub and shiver and clutch each other at the beach.

Last night J called me when I got back from work. I had tentative golfing plans. I had had a good day at work, but somehow I was in an agressive / angry mood. It had started out as agressive and driven, but easily channeled into anger when people grated against it. It probably spurned from the leftover adrenaline rush of trying to make a record number of chats per hour the whole day. It probably also was caused by a bad sleep the night before. J called and said 'How do I get three teenage girls to go away?' All I could hear was screaming in the background, and incessant chatter. He kept leaving to talk to them, and half the time I'd answer and realize he wasn't talking to me. At the end I lost it: 'HOLY FUCKING ANNOYING!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!' I bellowed. He had invited me ice skating but I told him to call me after.

So then I went power shopping. I plowed through the racks like a bulldozer and kept a general glare on my face. Even when I'm mad though, I couldn't bring myself to not smile at salespeople, and I couldn't bring myself to not hang up the clothes neatly on the hangers after trying them. I honestly make quite a nice mad person. J called me while I was buying some white Guess jeans. 'Wanna hang?' he asked. 'Well,' I said, 'sure.. but it's up to you. I know you need your space.'

'I need my space?'
'Yeah, like you said last night.'
'Uh.. I don't remember saying that.'
'Yeah, you did. You said you still want time to hang out with your friends and stuff.'
'Whatever! How come everyone's crazy tonight? I'm just going to go home and take a nap and hope that when I wake up everyone will be normal again.'

He didn't call tonight, which is typical, because I know that he gets too proud to call back for a long time, sometimes. He'll probably call tomorrow. I snicker a bit, and I don't know why. Perhaps because I can predict things now. I'm not even afraid of 'crashing and burning' anymore. I even forgot that catch phrase until he brought it up during a discussion about moving in together. I can't understand how I like him more than ever before, and yet I'm much less afraid of it not working out, than before. I know he has the tendency to jump up and run off at the drop of a hat, and I know I'd be very sad if he did, but I'm not scared of it anymore. He wants to find an apartment downtown together. And get a dog. I think I'd be game. It seems like when we're together we never fight. It's when we're apart that we do.

I went powershopping again today. This time I made some kills. I am sick of wearing cheap clothes that fall apart my whole life. I am the queen of thrift. I like thrift stores too, but I'm sick of the 'used' look, and sick of buying stuff I only half-like just because its on sale. So now I'm trying to buy only high-quality stuff that I like a lot, and that will last a long time. I got this circle & square bracelet from Blue Ruby. $85. My heart jumped and I felt a bit guilty buying it but also proud of throwing caution to the wind and being a consumer whore. I also got a really really really soft comfy aquamarine Lululemon sweatshirt. It is so soft, it doesn't feel like you're touching it, yet the warmest sweatshirt I ever wore, and YET it's still fitted, not baggy. Wow.

I've put off buying Lulu stuff for so long because I don't want to be a trend whore, but I'm definitely going back to get one of those stretchy tracksuits to live in at work. Whoohoo!

Before that I went to La Senza, and my friend Darcy and her friend happened to be working there. It was both of their last nights. So Darcy told me to buy whatever, and she'd use her 25% discount on me. I bought a black bra and 3 pairs of black REALLY COMFY undies. Nylon/spandex. Need comfort when sitting in wedgie-prone positions all day at work.

So that does it for today. Next on the list is sneakers (Puma or Adidas), the tracksuit, and a plain white baseball cap for days like today, when I sleep 45 min past my alarm and run to work without a shower. : Possibly a watch, though I get along ok using my cellphone as a watch for now. Larger hoop earrings. Yes, I did mention to some friends the other day that the size of girls' hoop earrings must be inversely proportionate to the size of their brain.. I guess mine is shrinking from the rote tasks at work.

Speaking of work, this is what I like best about it. That I can come home and totally forget it. It doesn't bug me, and the stresses during the day, while pertinent and stressful at the time, don't bug me when I get home. Work always followed me home and put me in a foul mood when I was waitressing. Right now, all I can think about is how I made this one person's day by telling them what a great artist they were after looking at some paintings they were selling. And the free pizza we got today, and the free KFC we get tomorrow. And how I was second place in the 'greatest improvements in customer satisfaction ratings' this week

Anyway, time to gloat a bit more over tonight's killings (clothes) and go to sleep in theoretically 10 minutes.

2004-08-30T18:56:00.000-07:00

My brother lent me his longboard because he hit a car using it, rendering the board riderless for a month. I finally took it out last night for a spin. It makes me feel small and fragile. I stomped on the end to make it fly up so I could catch it like a good sk8r should.. and.. because it's not a light board (my estimate is 30 lbs, and 4 ft long). it slammed my thumb back painfully.

I basically spun around inside a closed tennis cord. Some boys in grade 4 or 5 whistled at me. I am old enough to be their mother. Gross. I can go around the court fine counter-clockwise, because left turns are easy for me to make. I stand un-goofy-foot I suppose. That means I lean forward to turn left. Leaning back of course, is harder, so I always end up turning more left than right.

As I came back, the road had new appeal. There are a lot of cars on Renfew, where I live, but during the car passing intermissions, I dropped the board down and puttered up the hill. Very nice! Carrying it is a bit of a hassle though. I think I would want a regular sized board if I ever got one.. I'd use it to skate from the skytrain station to work, like this other yuppie programmer dude I sometimes see.

Waking Life

2004-08-27T22:35:00.000-07:00

I just saw Waking Life

Some notes to jot down before I forget:

1. Why haven't we achieved anything past the Greeks? The answer can be found in another question: Are humans more lazy or more fearful?
2. I miss Joel
3. I miss crickets chirping and the smell of night, and serious little girls who still can't wrap their tongues around words quite right yet.
4. Most of us are either tragic victims of a) not enough life or b) an overabundance of life. I'm a! I'm a!
5. No editing this post allowed.
6. Time keeps us from discovering God. We're all living in 50 BC, and time is a mask.
7. Dreams and reality are one and the same. There is nothing different about the action of the molecules in my head during a dream, than in 'waking state.' The only difference is that my body's actions are suspended during a dream.
8. If that is the case, we all have so much potential
9. I work as a drone, but that is just another route up a pyramid where all sides become a point.
10. We *are* all pretty dumb because we're lazy and / or fearful. I don't want to be an ant, interacting with my environment via my antennae. I want my mid-life crisis to happen right now.
11. Sometimes I too watch myself as I go about my daily activities, seeing my life as an old lady looking back on it.
12. Sometimes I too listen to people and feel like I am cueing them to speak what I want to say.
13. I wonder about the collective subconscious of the world.

The cat came back

2004-08-24T04:30:00.000-07:00

Last night J came back, and it was like the prodigal son coming home. 5 months. He watched as I packed hummus and alfalfa sprouts pitas and we talked about all the crazies we've dated in the past while. We'd both dated bi-polar, messy people. His was a practicing witch goth. He nearly moved in with her.

We pressed our heads together in my kitchen and just grinned. I looked at him, and he'd smirk, and I'd burst out laughing and he'd go 'wha-aat!,' and I'd have to look away, only to look back a second later. We went to Karaoke with his late-30's friends in a cheery cowboy bar. Angela (34, and a nurse and sugar mommy) and John (22, likes to be chased with a bullwhip), the couple I got to know best, had humped three times that night while J was at their place, and he poked fun at them all night.

I sang Sarah McLachlan first, which sucked. Wanting to impress the crowd more than that, I sang Barbie Girl at the end of the night. One of the regulars jumped up and sang Ken's part for me, and even the Barbie-like waitress and her friend joined in.

A had brought origami and we folded little critters that hopped and humped all over the table, and paper airplanes that zoomed nearly into other people's beer. We made those little folded games that you manipulate with your thumbs and index fingers, and there is a little answer inside you choose after a few rounds of opening and closing the paper. Mine had final answers like 'lick your elbow,' which J got. A's was X-rated, and all the numbers on the outside were 69, en seule, 3-some, etc. I got 'ladies first.' I then made my paper eat Angela's paper. "I'm going to turn you vanilla!' said mine to hers in an Elmo voice, and all 3 of them burst out laughing.

30-somethings sure know how to have a good time. They also sell homemade tamales on wreck beach.. Angela and John make them, and Joel sells them.

Of couse, tons of stuff has happened to each of us and we caught up on all the largest things. J went home to Ontario for 2 months and hung with his kids. He now wants to start a company on Saltspring Island, if his contact calls. He came home with me after, and caught that gigantic wolf spider that's been under my heater the last few days. Agreed its the biggest he's seen. Body the size of a large peanut; legspan of the top of a coke can. I screamed girlishly as he chased it around the room and finally brought the mayo jar down on one of its legs.. but the spider itself was on the outside!

So the flyswat was clamped down on one of its other legs, so that the mayo jar could go over its body. Guys who fearlessly catch big hairy spiders make me :)~~

We snuggled all night. Despite his manly spider-catching abilities, he holds on to me like a child to a mom or a girl to a guy, his head lower near my shoulder, his body wrapped on mine (like a spider's web around prey?). It feels nice to have a body wrapped around mine for a change, rather than mine wrapped around another's. I'm afraid we fit together perfectly, in the energy we bounce off each other in public, and how we make fun of each other. In the familiarity of knowing the other's mannerisms and reactions. In the way I can identify with his metrosexual tastes, but balance them with my tomboy quirkiness. I've missed his amazing smell, his electric toothbrush, the gold pirate hoops in his ears (now upgraded to a single silver one) and his non-threatening candour.

Yes, he has me in a spell, and I will never cease to be happy when he comes back after a long absense. But I know deep down inside that...well..perhaps its best left unsaid in such a positive post.

I had to leave at 7:30 for work, and we walked hand in hand to the skytrain. I thought I'd never see him again in my life.

Most beautiful night.

2004-08-12T22:33:00.000-07:00

I have *never* seen Vancouver as beautiful as it was tonight..

Blading the Seawall till just past sunset...

The new, smooth pavement.. allowing you to concentrate on the view that much more..

Tipsy bonsai tree silhouette, lighthouse, still glassy water, light grey buildings caving in on marina..

Smells like camping

And just got in the door and had coconut gelato for dinner.

I *love* living on my own :)

Fireworks Finale.

2004-08-08T21:52:00.000-07:00

The power of the pen is scary or liberating, depending on who holds it. I can make you love or hate someone, by framing them in a certain light. I'm ambivalent about how I'm going to portray this character, but I think I'll take some artistic liberty and forget about the past.

Over the past few years I've been meeting and making contact with my little grade 7 clique. The last one, Claire, I never thought I'd come across again. But I found her online, and we met up last night for the fireworks finale. She was a homely, mean-spirited, troubled kid back then, and now she is pretty, successful, and sweet. How this happened I do not know but I'm glad and amazed.

I waited at Burrard station. She was late. I watched as the fireworks-bound crowd streamed by. Where do all those cute guys hide during regular nights? I wonder if everyone is wondering why I'm standing in front of the Hyatt alone? If she doesn't show, will I walk to the beach alone, or go home? Will I be mad if she doesn't show? Probably, but more out of embarassment and self-pity, which are unnecessary, so if she doesn't show I'll make a conscious effort to shrug it off.

Finally she pulled up in the promised yellow cab. She was just as sweet and demure as she had been on the phone. No underlying cattiness under the sweet voice. No more angst. I had forgotten we were watching the 'works from her friend's apartment across from English bay. The friend wasn't answering the buzzer. Other people arrived and said they were going to the same place. I felt underdressed. What a sophisticated crowd.

It turned out they weren't going to the same place. Colleen still wasn't answering her door on floor 22. We knocked on her sister's door, beside her, and then went to the floor below, Steve's. I found it weird yet fun how all of Colleen's neighbours were her friends. On Steve's balcony we asked the neighbours in the next balcony over if they could see anyone on the balcony above us. And could they please ask her to unlock the door.

Colleen greeted us by saying she felt sick and wasn't expecting company. I felt like an intruder, but we stayed and she fed us paralyzers and red wine anyway. Her apartment was *beautifully* decorated. A japanese onion paper divider had each of its little squares decorated with stones, shiny things, photos, magazine cut-outs. Delicate ferns sat on her monitor. Her printer was decorated with stickers and a big round ceramic owl head served as a coat hanger. Two cats hid somewhere. She also had a spice rack and a doorway curtain made of large white translucent O's. When we left, I gave Colleen a hug and she told me I was pretty. I was sort of embarassed. I'm not used to hanging out with girls that much, but I find that they greet with hugs (I hardly hug my friends anymore) and compliment more. They also giggle more. I found I had to fake giggle a bit to keep up.

We hung out at Steve's on floor 21 a bit more. He owns the biggest DVD collection I've ever seen. Then we walked a few blocks to Claire's other friend's, Jamie's. Jamie is a cute, soft-spoken yet mischevious redhead with a more modest, down-to-earth place filled with mountain bike, paper mache masks, and hippie awning over her bed. She told us she kissed a lesbian back at Celebrities because she felt sorry for her.

We set off to Celebrities after the fireworks dust had settled down. Plans changed and we went to Roxy. But plans changed again because Claire forgot her ID. So we went to Speakeasy. We sat around one of the round tables in the middle of the room, perched precariously on barstools. Claire bought us two rounds of Paralyzers. Two guys, friends of Jamie's, stopped by, and I was conscious of just how much attention sitting at that middle table attracts.

It was 2 am and I hadn't planned on how I'd get home. So logically, I decided to crash at Ross's place. I felt a bit bad, because I don't want to use him. I'd already been there the week before. Claire and Jamie actually walked me all the way there, so I invited them up on behalf of Ross. I knew he wouldn't say no to three chicks saying hi (Ross likes girls a lot) even if he had already gone to sleep (which he had). We got up there, and of course, Ross was noticibly quiet, as usual. He can be talkative around the right people, but he has *never* been talkative around new ppl I've brought to his place.

I find it really cute how he's more self-conscious, and puts on more of a show around new, cute girls. His best friend pointed out how he strutted past the girls in the table behind us at a restaurant in Seattle. My suspicions proved correct later on as I soared into bed as soon as he hit the light. "She's cute," he said of Jamie. "I'd bang her." I laughed and mentioned how she'd been hit on all night.

Today, Claire told me that Jamie likes me a lot, and I told Claire both she and her friends are really sweet, and that Ross thinks Jamie is cute and would bang her. LOL! Big mouth I have. So that was my night. I just felt like typing out the full events of a night for once, instead of just summarizing it in this blog.

2004-08-05T23:04:00.000-07:00

I think my bum is sore from sitting all day. But:

The work party was banging tonight. I just keep meeting more and more and more people and everyone knows everyone. Imagine 600 ppl pre-screened to be both smart and pleasant to be around, and put them all in the same building. Heavenly!

Texas Poker, Blackjack, Russian Roulette, Musical Chairs, Dance-Off, Scallops wrapped in bacon, Brie and smoked salmon on french bread.. and lots of smiley faces whose names I didn't really remember. Introduced myself to Lance, a raver who won the dance-off.

A and S started with $200, like me, and A went down to $40 but both went up to $1200 early in the night when I checked in with them. I ended up with about $40 more than I started with.

I wish I could remember all the funny things that happened today.. all I remember is I laughed throughout the whole day.. at one point running through the halls with Jayson and Alex on break, pretending we were a S.W.A.T. team on a secret mission for muffins. The building is sort of like a maze, so we did appropriate swat formations at all the corners and crept around like dorks.

Then in chat, I typed '..greet' as my macro but my macros were off. (It's supposed to automatically write 'Welcome to Chat my name is blabla how can I help you today...') So I covered it up by typing.. 'Greetings' right after. Yesterday I wrote something like 'Do you have a chewing account?' instead of 'checking account.' When we get on the floor, I hope its half as fun as training is. I will miss having my whole training class around at once. Especially R and K. They better not split us up!!! :'(

2004-08-02T14:33:00.000-07:00

R is so clean and his face stuff smells so nice. His washroom is now cleaner than mine. I was in an altered state of consciousness this morning as the light and wind played with the blinds, awesome music poured out of the speakers, my neck was being rubbed and a me-shaped imprint was being made into the comfy mattress. Oh, and a fan blew wind at us. Blisssssss.

I want some cool music and pretty dancing blinds too. I also know I'm done with Davis now. Going to the R-Spa always helps me decide right away whether I want to continue a relationship or not. And I usually come away saying 'not.'

2004-07-30T18:29:00.000-07:00

omgomg work was so fun today. everyone in cheery mood. we were fed smoothies, cake and icecream, and we got to choose where we sat; i sat next to nice ppl who were very fun to make fun of ;)

and we all bounced positive friday energy off each other. AND i made my metrics! almost 6 chats per hour average!

:D

AND it was payday.

now off to see farenheit 9-11 or rent some dvds from videomatica :D

i made a new curriculum vitae for davis

2004-07-26T19:45:00.000-07:00

but i'm gonna call him loreal from now on as a codename
anyway...

biajjiioou- says:
otherwise he's just a bit too weird for most ppl i think
biajjiioou- says:
in life accomplishments and interests i mean
biajjiioou- says:
personality-wise he comes across as fairly normal
David says:
fighting not to ask what you mean by weird exactly
David says:
and losing
biajjiioou- says:
hahahah
biajjiioou- says:
he has a phd in curriculum and philosophy of education, two masters (in medical education and something else), is a karate sensei, does sea kayaking, was gay for a certain amount of time in his life and had a few boyfriends, performs as a drag queen part time, was a dean and professor for a good chunk of his life but is now anti-academia and wants to pursue makeup artistry full-time
David says:
a fleet of kittys have caught my tongue
biajjiioou- says:
still comes across as very gay and openly embraces the lifestyle, very interested in gender related issues (but mainly attracted to women more now, obviously..), moved out at age 15, was in a gang, was a counselor using practical philosophy, herbalist practices and massage, is currently doing resarch at SFU building simuplated computer-animated people, taking classes at blanche mcdonald..is half jewish
David says:
wow

2004-07-25T20:02:00.000-07:00

weird. somehow i didn't go longboarding or to the girls' sleepover, or to the lantern festival as planned. i didn't even go to kits beach with davis. instead, spent the last 30 hours at davis's place, smoking weed, eating junk food, consulting kevin aucoin makeup books, and doing each others' makeup. i spent a good hour doing a rad haute couture look on him. pics later.

2004-07-24T01:14:00.000-07:00

Mmm what a great weekend its shaping up to be! I think I will report now rather than when its over. Gives me more to anticipate. Weekends are much more valuable now that weekdays are gone.

Anyway went back to the hometown tonight to see my favorite kid Alan, his mom (visiting from Taiwan), and another family friend (Japanese), along with my parents. We talked about murders, rape, cannibalism, dishonest Chinapeople, et al. My favorite kid is so fokking smart!!! He is the third top violinist in Taiwan in his agegroup, and made the final cut for the NASA space program in Alabama. I am so proud of him. He wants to become a pediatrician like his dad and I'm pretty certain he will.

I think I may cancel out on Davis tomorrow and just chill by myself at the beach in the daytime. I want downtime and tantime and to see Davis would be prolonging the inevitable speech. I already told him I don't want anything longterm and he replied with 'okay thats great, we can take it slow' or something. Wasn't fazed in the least. So my thought was totally lost upon him. Then a small girls sleepover tomorrow night, and most funnestly, longboarding on Sunday with H. I borrowed my bro's new longboard, can't wait to try it out.

I think it's gonna be a wonderful weekend! :)

2004-07-23T00:13:00.000-07:00

Viv found me this really nice tube top from Gap. She is my new approved fashion consultant. She made me try it on a month ago, when it was $40; now it was on sale for $12. It's pink, with yellow and purple stripes. Retro.

Also got a nice white strapless dress from Jacobs. I think I buy most of my clothes there!

Class was so boring today. I sat beside a really loud and outgoing girl who it just so happens used to date H's friend A. She spins breakbeats too. On the other side was a guy that my classmate Kat and I agree is sort of a snob. She dislikes him more than me, but I still don't have anything in common with him so we barely exchanged a word.

Yesterday was much more fun sitting next to Kat and Jay. We poked fun at each other like mad. Jay has me stereotyped as an anal perfectionist who likes to advise other people to take daring and stupid risks. They call me the devil because I give advice that makes computers malfunction. My extension number ends in 666.

Little cliques are starting to form. But people still mix it up and associate with each other. Kat and I are definitely one mini-clique. I lost her at lunch today though and ended up eating with the 'sociable asian and filipino' clique, which includes a chronic (daily) gambler and the drum n bass girl. We talked about stock options and mortgages.

This weekend I'm going home for a bbq Friday night. I really don't want to see my parents and don't want to tell them I have a job. I'm going because my favorite kid of all-time, Alan, is back from Taiwan for a week. I tutored him when he was in kindergarten. He must be grade 3 or 4 now.

Saturday I might hang with Davis. I have been neglecting the 'don't want to settle' speech. Sunday longboarding with H. Cannot wait! It would be so like him to cancel. He better not. If he does, I'll just go longboarding myself!

Time to get my 6 hours sleep.

2004-07-18T21:20:00.000-07:00

what a busy weekend. fri nite date, then go in to work at lounge. sat morning go to beach, talk to stranger for 3 hours, date w/ davis. this morning, run to metro, get $20 back for on sale top, hiked all day near wreck beach with friend from work. she brought me over and i met her bf and bf's very cute daughter. now davis is coming over for an hour or so, then its to sleep at 12 (i hope) and up at six tomorrow.

re: wreck beach.. it was my first time going, and man were there a lot of naked ppl. naked families too. every 5 min a naked guy would pass us in the woods. we saw this one guy in the woods on his knees and elbows, bum up in the air, balls hanging down waving in the wind. i wanted to toss a pinecone at his hiney.

...

2004-07-18T05:18:00.000-07:00

So tonight's date just ended. It's 5:23. It was a roaring success as well! At first I was a bit put off by Davis's geekiness and tendency to suddenly burst into song (Broadway or Beatles). Then I warmed up to his eccentricities. We drove up Seymour to see the sunset, but on a hill his engine started smelling bad. I thought we should cancel Seymour because it might die up there, and sure enough his engine died. For a few minutes. Then it came back to life and we coasted down... to Horseshoe bay where walked around the back streets and smoked a joint. Then we went to a nice restaurant overlooking the bay and ate seafood appies. Oh did I mention he brought flowers and a Norman Rockwell calendar?

Then we sat on a bench by the water talking till two-ish. It got cold. He kissed me. He dropped me off, and we snuggled a bit.. (okay, for an hour or two), and he just 'tucked me in' and drove off... and I pretended to go to sleep but of course I have to pop up to blog. So yeah. He's old, but we agreed not to exchange ages for now. He doesn't know mine, I don't know his. He's had a really weird but extremely interesting life. Is doing research in Education faculty at SFU building simulated computer-animated people. Does drag-queen performances on the side. Has a black belt two stripes in karate. Kayaks and camps in remote areas. Lived in the small town I lived in, in Ontario for two years. Taught philosophy classes and counselled people using practical philosophy. Was an herbalist and combined this with massage. Moved out at age 15. Was in a gang sometime after and lived on the streets.

We had a good discussion about people in BC compared to back east. It went deeper than the one last night. Last night's date was the epitomy of a good date conversation-wise. We talked about everything and had a lot of common views. But we talked so much that silence was odd. Tonight's date, while convo wasn't as mentally stimulating.. the pace of convo was better, and we had a great physical connection as well. He seems to be a hopeless romantic and says exactly what he's feeling. This scares me a bit. He talked about making future plans a lot throughout the night. I nodded but didn't make any promises. I'm hesitant. This guy knows what he wants and goes for it. No casual dating, like last night. Right now we are slated to either do dinner again tomorrow night, or rent movies and snuggle next Sat.

2004-07-17T11:10:00.000-07:00

last nights date was so fun.
sat on a bench at kits beach and talked, went to urban well and talked some more. the kind of talking where neither stop for a breath and you're clipping each other's sentences trying to get a word in. we got so animated, with wild gesticulations drawing mild attention. i thought he was quiet when i first met him. holy cow, he talks more than any girl i know.

we talked about work, animals, PR spins and chemical companies, mnc's, safeway, travelling, more travelling, past jobs, university, fraternities, van vs. back east, music et al.

i found it interesting that while i'm graduating from a very left wing faculty and am now getting interested in business and losing my strong left-wing stance that was fostered by Communications, he graduated with a degree in Commerce and works in sales at an older chemical company with some bad history. Now that he's seen how terribly un-environmentally friendly Canadian companies are, he decided to do a masters in environmental management! So basically, he's the businessperson-turning-hippie and I'm the hippie-with-softening-stance-toward-commerce.

ps. i'd have to say he's one of the most sane, happily accomplished, outgoing, pleasant-to-be-around guys i've had the pleasure to have a drink with.

now i clean room and go tan on beach before date #2 tonite! :D

...

2004-07-16T18:27:00.000-07:00

I laughed dryly when I saw this a moment ago.
I could only gather enough nerve to log into my online banking because my tax refund + election $ cheques both came in today. Oh how I will miss being a starving student............ NOT.

Account Balances -

16 July 2004


Chequing/Savings
USD
CAD

Savings:
3.73

Total:

3.73

Credit Cards
USD
CAD

VISA

66.25

Total:

66.25

...

2004-07-15T00:56:00.000-07:00

My fashion show pics are freshly uploaded, take a peek here. Saturday's date = the makeup guru responsible for that black tar on our faces. ;)

...

2004-07-15T00:12:00.000-07:00

I've been getting 5 hrs sleep every night this week. Funny. I usually need about 8 or 9. I'm pretty sure it has to do with feeling much more positive about life and having something to DO each day. Besides stay at home and mope about being jobless.

I can't stress how much I like everyone in my training class. Usually, classes form cliques, and there are only a few I end up talking to long term. But in this class, I like talking to each and every person. There's about 20 of us, all really different. But I think they do a good job of filtering people when they hire, because, well, these are just the type of people I want to know. Smart, business savvy, driven, outdoorsy, humble, cool hobbies, laid back..

It's very easy to slip and be let go for seemingly trivial matters, but so far I've aced both quizzes and haven't missed the timing system. (And haven't pissed anyone off majorly). The timing system is an anal bitch and a half. There are twelve 30-second windows throughout the day you have to sign in or out on a big-brotheresque program. Sneeze and u miss the 30 seconds and its a strike against u and ur closer to being let go.

Other than that, I'm loving the casual dresscode, free drinks, bagel day was today, our entertaining and pleasant-to-listen-to trainer, and the cool people. I'm already doing the Grouse Grind on Sunday with a girl I sat beside two days in a row. I asked for her msn so I could have a work contact at home, and she said she didn't use IM anymore, but that I should come do the Grind. I said no at first to appear aloof and un-needy (a reflex response created as a defense mechanism during teen years) but half an hour later sucked in my pride and said yes.

I neglected to mention Saturday's date is about 35-40 years old, an ex-gay man who I swore was still gay when I first met him, can strut down a runway better than me, and was married (to a female). He also has a Phd and two masters, and was a prof (at Ryerson I think?). That is just the tip of the iceberg. I think he's putting more hope and TLC into this date than I am. We agreed to do it after I changed my name to "I like guys.....from a distance" on msn and we started discussing that. "Water water everywhere and nary a drop to drink," he wrote, of all the girls he does makeup on, but whom he can't ask out due to business professionalism. So being a devil's advocate I guess, I said "Why can't you, why can't you!" and I guess he took that as an opportunity request my presense on Sat.

He has already said he is bringing flowers, his treat at a seafood restaurant, then smoke weed and stargaze on a mountain. LOL. He also says he knows we will have a blast, then I will run away and he will be sad. :S Unfortunately he's probably right. I just hope we can bottle it into a nice one-time event without anyone wanting more. Or, if, God forbid, someone wants more, I hope the other will too. I don't want either party dissapointed. That's why I 'don't date.'

2004-07-12T23:31:00.000-07:00

so at the fashion show, the guy i was seeing met my fuckbuddy, and i picked up a date for friday. and now i have a date with the guy who did our makeup, on sat. holy crap. this is insane. i may have a permagrin the rest of this week. i have never spread myself so thin before / had more than one date per weekend!

2004-07-12T20:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes my parents are funny!

-------------------------------------

We have blended together into a nameless blob.

-----Original Message-----
From: J S [mailto:shi@hotmail.com]
Sent: Monday, July 12, 2004 8:04 PM
To: parents@dccnet.com
Subject: RE: Tax refund

haha

who is this anyway?

dad?

it sounds like mom

2004-07-09T01:52:00.000-07:00

fashion show was fun

stupid blogger deleted my post

synopsis: everything u'd imagine a fashion show to be. all the other designers recycled the same john casablanca models. but s. used us five amateurs and amateur makeup and hair dude, and frankly I think we owned the place. while everyone else had barely-there makeup, we had a vampish trailer-trash chic look. while everyone else floated down the runway, we strutted and glared.

rahh.

may post pics soon.

funny tidbit: H met R. (aka the guy i'm seeing met my fuckbuddy. H knows who R is but R doesn't know who H is..)

other funny tidbit: S was the only one who used a male model. convo we had while waiting in dressing room:

me: lucky you, as the only guy here u get to check out all the half naked chicks u want
him: yeah after a while its all the same though.. an ass here, an ass there..
me: (spying fully naked girl to my left) NINE O'CLOCK!!!! NINE O'CLOCK!!! LOOOOK!)
him: *lifts hand shielding eyes to peek out for a sec* .... i know i saw that.. i'm trying not to look too perverted

2004-07-08T00:39:00.000-07:00

Today R got back from back east and told me all about how his #1 crush and best friend, whom he had been visiting there, got mad at him and took off a day early. I remember the chick because he's always talked about her, and her nice boobs, and how she's going to graduate school for microbiology or something smartish and how he actually cried b/c he wanted her but she was with a psycho boyfriend. He said spending several days in a row with her revealed her true colours. Must have been disappointing.

Went to orientation for new job. Came back elated. Talked to some friends about it. Less elated now. Apparently 'everyone and their donkey' works there, and I will 'soon realize its a house of cyborgs and the pay isn't all that great.' Oh well the rose coloured glasses are still fairly on, and I've been tinkering with my calculator imagining what the money will buy. x_x

Semi-reluctantly met H downtown. Sat and talked at Sunset Park beach, purposely not looking at him. Also did not touch him. Though he touched me a lot. Told him I was miffed about the $100 tab of the trip, when he said it would be under $20. I still suspect he took me to help cut costs. He's about as broke as me. We had to sit near the parking lot and not go to the water, because he didn't want to pay for parking. I feel smugly satisfied for acting like a lump of mud.

Tomorrow is the fashion show. A few other aquaintances will be there, so thats nice. Makeup application starts at 12 pm and the show is at 8. She told me that last night; originally I thought I had to be at the show around 8. Thank goodness my orientation was today and I don't have to work tomorrow!! It seems like all these people in the nightlife/fashion/promoting industries never plan ahead or give notice. I like spontaneity but there are good and bad forms of it.

...

2004-07-07T02:11:00.000-07:00

My brother has the continuation of the the recent mom events here. I was too lazy to type out the updates. But basically she hit his gf's car and is making her pay for it. Oh but Jar, don't hate women, Christians and family b/c of mom. She could easily have been a man, pagan and childless and still exhibited the same traits. So hate the person, not the demographics. In fact don't even hate the person, hate the traits she exhibits and feel pity for the person inside her who doesn't want to be that way, but is a victim of her other, more psychotic side.

I got a job. Its pretty kickass! Thanks Colene for the heads up re: this particular job. :) You rock! Someday I'll have to actually meet you.

Been busy lately, lots of stuff happening. I still hate boys. I better still remember that tomorrow from 2 to 6 pm-ish.

Dave is having a blast in Japan. No doubt, its like living inside a videogame for him. Hot chicks everywhere, he declares.

Besides Dave, where'd everyone go? Nobody seems to blog much anymore and nobody seems to come this way. I feel lonely over here in my little chunk of cyberspace :P Holla.

2004-07-03T23:18:00.000-07:00

. . .

Saturday, July 03, 2004
Bear in mind i do not live at home and had only briefly heard from my bro another fight had occured. she is so worried i'll side with my brother, she had to get her defense thesis out to me asap, though she hasnt even talked to me in a few weeks! Here is the end of the crazy-assed 5 kb email she sent out of the blue yesterday:

When children come to the stage of defying the parents, it is a sign that
they should move on on their own. It is not that I kicked any of you out.
Dad and I were bending forward and backward trying to keep you guys as long
as we could at home so that you can finish your education. Isn’t it much
easier for us if you move out as soon as you finish high school?

When I asked you to chip in $350 for room and board because I assumed that
with the help of your student loan [ nice try, but i applied for the student loan AFTER u gave me the ultimatum to move out.]

and tutoring money, it is not a whole lot
to ask you to help out the family when Dad’s EI was drying up. Family is
made to help each other when it is needed. And it is good for you to take
some responsibility of yourself in your last year of university. [ she keeps saying she had planned for a long time that i would support myself in the last year of university. in reality, she decided i would move out the night of the incident, and pretend it was her wise plan all along. assuming i would be living there in the last year of university, i was in no way financially prepared to move out. i had about $75 to my name. They did not provide any of the $2000 the goverment budgeted as 'parental contribution.' As such, after living like a bum for the past year, not buying SHAMPOO because I wanted to be sure I could make rent, holding a few sketchy p/t jobs that didnt pay me, and studying fulltime, I am now left with a VISA bill bigger than my bank account as I desperately jobhunt.]

Howbeit, when you chose your freedom more important, I had not opposed you, we were
glad to help you on your way [ yeah, helping me by glaring at me from across the room as I asked dad for advice on renting a basement suite during those two weeks of silent treatment? Leaving the nest is supposed to be a happy time and you made it one of my worst memories ever].

It is perfectly ok for children to move out on their own in peaceful terms.
It is part of growing up, as long as they understand what parents have done
for them instead of viewing parents trying to pick fights and restricting
their freedom. [ what about the right to friends and healthy relationships? i won't even mention the lengths she went to cut off some of our FRIENDS because she hated them. my best friend in highschool, minh, and my brother's good friend jeff.. she hated. and made it known. and the friendships suffocated because of it.]

I would rather that whatever you guys do did not border me.
But it pretty well have to be that I become a vegetable or a being without a
conscience. [ so our having friends, bf's and gf's bothers you and makes you feel like a vegetable?]

In that case why would I bother to live? [ this part freaks me out a bit; she can be so incredibly psychotic]

In all our hope, we wish both of you will not fall into the snare of the evil one who wears the mask of deception in the body of beautiful beings. [ right. kids, this is what happens when you mix your lithium prescription with your stash of special k.]

We would give up our lives for the two of you if we have to so that you may walk on the right path and experience a wonderful life.

On Sat June 26th

2004-07-03T22:30:00.000-07:00

If u scroll down a bit, u'll see I dreamt about my mom maiming my brother's gf and my bf. :|

That is not far from the truth, and was a bit of a premonition. She becomes a horrible monster at certain times, often when it involves any significant other belonging to her children.

For someone who has a very unhealthy relationship with her husband, she is hardly the one who should be meddling in our relationships.

She has extremely strong abstinence views. I became aware of this in grade 6, when she pulled me out of sex-ed class, boycotted the whole thing, and invited all my female classmates over for her OWN version of the class. In the second half of grade six she slammed the door in the face of the first boy who asked me out. In grade 10 I brought my first official bf home and she couldn't have made it a more uncomfortable experience. She sat in the next room and eavesdropped and then yelled at me for letting him in my room. My brother's last gf, a very sweet girl, was scared of her. Oh and I can't forget the time my brother wanted to take her camping, and my mom called HER MOTHER to try and stop it. A mother calling her 19 year old son's girlfriend's parents because to stop a 'morally wrong' camping trip. (Her parents didn't see a problem)

She kicked me out in Sept. due to the same agenda. My brother came back five minutes past curfew from his gf's place, I let him in, she had a fit, told me I had to leave (after throwing a few punches, an hour or so of verbal abuse military-style, and a week or two of silent treatment).

Now she is kicking my brother out for the same thing. The stick is so far up her ass though, that she can't even vocally state 'Do not have sex before marriage.' Instead, she beats around the bush, erecting new 'rules' here and there to try and control the situation. When my brother found some loopholes, she got pissed. An insult to her attempts.

My mom is like the lone Marxist-Leninist candidate who got no votes at my polling station, staunchly set foot amidst a sea of 100 NDP-marked ballots. She is expecting my brother and I to adopt moral standards that are pretty much extinct in our society. Whether or not her views are right is not an issue. Her own personal convictions should come second to the priority of keeping our family together.

She is tearing our family apart based on some petty personal convictions. I can forgive her, but I will never forget the many ways she has torn my family apart and pitted us against each other. I can't tell her exactly what I think now, because I still depend on them a bit even though I've moved out. When I'm old, and she's old, I plan to drift away and not contact her much.

applied to retail

2004-07-03T22:00:00.004-07:00

today. finally. yes, retail.

i have gotten a university degree so that i can apply to retail for the first time in my life.

i generally walked around the store and eavesdropped a bit to see if the staff were nice, before applying.

here's the synopsis:

Body Shop: snobby azns, not hiring
plenty: seemed like little ditzy materialistic types, didn't apply (too bad, like their stuff)
Jacob Annex: generally liked their staff, not hiring till Oct
Jacob: same as above
Butterflies: nice staff! crappy merchandise. possibly hiring.
Stoneridge: HIGH ENERGY STAFF with bleach blonde spiked up hair. I don't think she liked me much, she kind of gave me a little interview on the spot and she's a bit of a type-A personality, i'm more type B. They're hiring but.. nah
RW&Co: hiring longerm, for about 32 hrs/week. That is good. Staff seem very down-to-business. I like their merchandise.
Laura: She almost hired me on the spot. But was skeptical about me not staying long because I'm overqualified with my degree. I was honest about maybe not being able to commit and that sealed the no-go deal. It was more of a merchandising/computer position which sounded more interesting than sales. Maybe I'll call her back if worst comes to worst.
Pegabo: The best catch so far. I liked both of the staff members AND the manager, a little french dude. Their male staff seemed a bit dumb, which makes me think its not a hard position, and the female was Soooo nice. Had me wait for the manager to come and introduced me to him. So if any of you damned retail places call me back, I hope its you, Pegabo! PS. I want shoe discounts there, they have nice stuff! :)

Went to Greek Festival & Richmond Night Market yesterday. Had yummy deepfried honey fritter ball things at the former.

...

2004-07-02T00:53:00.000-07:00

i'm turning a lesbian. no, really.

no more boys. not this year.

NO MORE BOYS.

they are vile, often wicked creatures. i don't know how i ever thought i liked them more than girls.

sera and i went to the beach today and she offered to lend me a brand new dress she got from korea and hasn't even worn yet, just b/c she thought it would look good on me. what a sweetheart.

no boy that i've come across would be as comparatively selfless. i've been screwed over again, is it obvious? but i'm not gonna tell, because I knew I had it coming to me. and it makes me look like a fool. boys make me forget all common sense and caution.

anyway, back to the topic of girls. Sigh. Nice, safe girls. it looks like sera will be my new beach buddy until i find a job. she also prefers to hang out with only girls; its very refreshing.

Surfing in Tofino

2004-07-01T01:06:00.000-07:00

I slept next to a graveyard
Where a 30 year old mother died
Her daughter left a flattened wine bottle
"Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I love you. You rock."
Said the sparkly blue nailpolish on it.
I picked it up to read
And H freaked a little

On the ferry there,
I awoke in the carport
Peered out the window
To see the moon on the inky black waves
Lapping
We were moving fast.

Exploring Long Beach alone
I found a jelly disk
Large crabs
Large seaweed
Everything is bigger here
Except for the sand, which is finer

The mist swirls around love rock
As if flirting with the rip tide below
So wispy and misty and sunny at once
Its like a painting, said he
And I nod

I learned a lot about people in two days
Namely myself
Painful
Immobilizing fog
I can't acquiesce
I must actively choose

Things don't bother me as much
Or if they do, I get over them faster
A sign of maturity I hope

Westfalias, weed, long grass and sun
Sitting on the roof with a hard lemonade
Tomorrow, jobhunting and worrying about money
Today, dizzy, yet content

2004-06-26T12:09:00.000-07:00

I woke up with a splitting headache, the same one I had in my dream. In my dream, my family stayed over at my place, as well as my brothers (old) girl, and a faceless boi of mine, both of whom my mom seriously maimed while they were sleeping. She charged around with a pistol in each hand. Scary stuff.

I'm deciding whether or not to reapply at the restaurant I used to work at 2 years ago. I quit the job because it was stressful. If I go back I might take pills to calm my nervous system. Seriously. I talked to a friend who recommended tryptophan in pill form. It's the stuff in turkeys of course. It's pricey, about $140 for 100 1-gram pills, of which u take 1-2 a night. But if I'm working there I could afford it. Just not in the first few weeks.

2004-06-24T18:11:00.000-07:00

I liked this post of Sam's so much I'm reposting it here:

I was confusing online conversations with real conversations (comments to post--6.15.2004). I was feeling attacked. I was feeling extraordinarily guilty about this blog. It's something I've been complimented on and something I take some pride in. But it's a secret. It's essentially the only secret I keep from A.

I don't feel guilty about feeling the feelings I feel (feely feel feel feel) because I can sense the extent to which they matter. If I change moods, the past feelings are forgotten and I move on to new perspectives. And though I recognize them as my own, their recording in this blog has given those fleeting ruminations a weight and permanency they didn't contain when expressed. It's fine to have feelings, but dangerous to express them. Saying stuff you think you think will often end up biting you in the ass. While feelings themselves are wisped away in an instant, once they're expressed, the dark mood is concretized. Now it has it's own life. Even assuming the statement is correctly interpreted, the person who witnessed expression of your dark thoughts has no mechanism for assigning the statement a relative weight--no ability to replace one fleeting sentiment with another. It's a dark, lonely world outside of our heads. I live in complete ignorance of everyone. Nobody knows anybody. The more I say, the more wrong you are about me. But we still judge. And I still care.

I was feeling attacked and guilty and I needed to talk about it. All I could think about was the blog. But it's a secret. I wanted A to force it out of me. She pried appropriately. But I was aware that the more she knew, the more wrong she would be about how I feel. So I told lies that touched on the truth. ...

This fucking life.

Wouldn't it be such a great life if we had telepathy and could convey all the nuances and fickleness of our feelings to the other person? It would be so liberating to be able to pour out all our emotions to other people. But I find that with the people who are closest to me, even significant others, I really don't convey more than 50% of what I'm feeling. When R kept asking why I didn't want to visit him anymore, I wrote out a long essay on my secretgiggle.com blog about how I felt there was a power imbalance with him being the rejector and me the rejectee. I contemplated sending it but a friend helped change my mind by asking 'What would you gain?'

I would have merely traded the satisfaction of being understood with a newfound awkwardness in the relationship. Around the same time I wanted to tell my mom how much she hurt me. But that would have made her angry, meaning no free food for me. She would have interpreted it as meaning her whole career of motherhood has been a failure. And right now there are so many emotions and thoughts I filter out when I talk to H. He always asks me what I'm thinking and 90% of the time I can't tell him because it would take a lot of processing and editing to make it acceptable for him to hear. I can't tell him I like his touch because I don't want to give the impression I'm falling head over heals for him. I can't tell him I'm still open to the idea of an open relationship, because I don't want to push him away.

At the expense of not conveying our true emotions, and because we can't possibly express the depth and contingent factors of each emotion, we give share only enough to manipulate people and situations to create a desired outcome. To find a 'soulmate' whereby you can express 90% of your emotions with no fear of misunderstanding must be a pretty phenomenal situation. Would require *so* much understanding, trust and security. Is something I think I might have seen, but only rarely, in a couple.

^H^

2004-06-22T05:02:00.000-07:00

So stuff is actually going good in boyland for once! It appears surfing will take place next week. I can't wait!

Tonight we went to Shark Club Ms. Molson Indy finals b/c H's friend's gf was competing..she won third place!

It's 5 am. Oops.

Sarah McLachlan - Possession

2004-06-21T19:55:00.000-07:00

I sang this walking down West 6th Ave today. (Rabbit in the Moon remix is awesome)

Listen as the wind blows
from across the great divide,
Voices trapped in yearning,
memories trapped in time,
The night is my companion
and solitude my guide,
Would I spend forever here
and not be satisfied?

And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard,
I'll take your breath away
and after I'd wipe away the tears,
Just close your eyes dear

Through this world I've stumbled
so many times betrayed,
Trying to find an honest word,
to find the truth enslaved,
Oh you speak to me in riddles
and you speak to me in rhyme
My body aches to breathe your breath,
you words keep me alive,

And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard,
I'll take your breath away
and after I'd wipe away the tears,
Just close your eyes dear

Into this night I wander,
it's morning that I dread,
Another day of knowing of
the path I fear to tread,
Oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride,
Nothing stands between us here
and I won't be denied

And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard,
I'll take your breath away
and after I'd wipe away the tears,
Just close your eyes dear

Portishead

2004-06-21T19:41:00.000-07:00

I love the Portishead Dummy album.

// Wandering Star //

Please could you stay awhile to share my grief
For it’s such a lovely day
To have to always feel this way
And the time that I will suffer less
Is when I never have to wake

Wandering stars, for whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness forever
Wandering stars, for whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness forever

... those who have seen the needles eye, now tread
Like a husk, from which all that was, now has fled
And the masks, that the monsters wear
To feed, upon their prey

Wandering stars, for whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness forever
Wandering stars, for whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness forever

(always) doubled up inside
Take awhile to shed my grief
(always) doubled up inside
Taunted, cruel.... ...

Wandering stars, for whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness forever
Wandering stars, for whom it is reserved
The blackness of darkness forever

Wandering Star

2004-06-20T04:42:00.000-07:00

1. Just chatting w/ Viv on msn. Telling her about how my bro got jumped by some guys by my old highschool last night.. for no reason. Yeurk. Some kids are so soulless. We went to the nightmarket tonight on very short notice. They always hide it in a new silly place. This time you have to walk through long grass, old wood and railway tracks. It's funny seeing swarms of Taiwanese hiking through BC wilderness to get to a nightmarket, instead of pushing through moped-infested concrete.

2. Meh. I'm being convinced not to do telemarketing, because it makes you sadistic and you have to be personable and comedic and entertaining. But its $20/hr. I would loooove to make $20/hr. Who wouldn't? Sigh. I could just *try* it.. I wrote down a note to call tomorrow at 1.. or maybe Monday at 1.. sigh.. applied to an ESL school that only pays $9/hr. Took me about 2.5 hours to write the coverletter.. it always takes me soo long to write one from scratch. Viv says the wages are an insult but I doubt I'll even get a callback because theres so many people around here who've taken TESL or even taught overseas... feeling lots of self pity at the moment..

Yay!

2004-06-19T20:43:00.000-07:00

Secret Giggle lives on. We wouldn't want the drama to stop now, would we? :P